I have spent the last three days on a relatively big conference organised by the Australian Society for Biochemistry and Molecular Biology. While I was trying to get my head around RNA science (I failed miserably) and gene editing (a bit more successful here), I also had quite some time to think about the equality in science. While the organisers did a pretty good job in taking care that the gender equality was almost 50-50%, I think they did not do that well when it comes to the experience equality. This corresponded very well with the recent tweet by someone saying something in the sense “how lucky am I to be at a presentation where both, Brian Kobilka and Robert Lefkowitz are presenting” (for those not from the field, they both got a Nobel prize for their work on GPCRs). While I agree that they are great scientists and wonderful presenters, it also made me think about the age distribution of presenters at a general conference.
I am an early career researcher- ECR- (2.5 years post PhD) and I was only able to attend this conference because I got a travel support for it. While my supervisor would probably be ok with me going, I always have a feeling I need to prove everything (and proving I am worth attending an expensive conference might be challenging). And I think this is generally a problem (and it seems bigger in Australia than in Europe)- while PhDs normally have quite a few options to apply for grants (or these are included in their scholarships) and older ECRs have their own grants that also support travel, being a very junior ECR usually leaves you deciding between not attending any conference or paying for everything out of your pocket. This is problematic as conferences in Australia are quite expensive (especially compared to the European conferences/meetings). This means that junior ECRs are mostly stuck in the lab and do not have much opportunity to connect to other scientists. I find this problematic as exchanging ideas with people you are not normally in contact with and listening to the lectures that are outside of you field can lead to great ideas and possible collaborations. Another problematic thing is that junior ECRs rarely have an opportunity to present their work. With this I come to my initial paragraph: while it is great to listen to a respected scientist, I also strongly believe that these people have researchers that could present their work as good as they do. This is often the case: as an ECR, you normally do all your work, but this is then presented by your supervisor. And this is problematic as one can only get better in things by doing them. Good ECRs will once become group leaders and by not having practice, they can never get better in public presentation. It is important to be exposed, to be able to think about your research and to know how present it well to different audiences and to know how to deal with the stress of presenting in front of big crowds and experienced scientists.
This might have sounded like a long rant. But, while I think we have done really good job in gender equality, I think our next step is supporting scientists from different stages of their career to present. I think this will only benefit the community in the long run.
petek, 4. oktober 2019
četrtek, 14. junij 2018
How are you doing?
You want an honest answer? I had a pretty lousy day. I have a feeling I did nothing all day. I felt like an outsider at work, like I do not belong anywhere. I felt worthless and useless, like my knowledge does not matter. Any question or opinion that I had felt like it was crushed at the floor.
At the end of the day, I wished I had a friend I could go for coffee with. So she would be able to tell me that everything will be ok. That these feelings are just temporary. Because this is what we all need: someone who can tell us that things will be better, but also to show us how good things actually are. Because, all in all, this week was not that bad. And after all this time it felt scary to feel good. And no matter how many good days you have, bad days still come. And they still suck! And they suck even more when the number of people that you can go to is limited.
At the end of the day, I wished I had a friend I could go for coffee with. So she would be able to tell me that everything will be ok. That these feelings are just temporary. Because this is what we all need: someone who can tell us that things will be better, but also to show us how good things actually are. Because, all in all, this week was not that bad. And after all this time it felt scary to feel good. And no matter how many good days you have, bad days still come. And they still suck! And they suck even more when the number of people that you can go to is limited.
petek, 1. junij 2018
The meaning of life
There is this vlogger I like. I was sceptical when I saw her first video, but then I continued watching and she is so real. She is not one of those that are always happy and smiling, but also not the one that would be constantly depressed and try to tell you how it is normal not to feel well. Because just saying it is ok not to feel ok does not help anyone. Before I get lost in this, I think the main thing why you like someone is that you can connect with them on a certain level. Because there are things that make you think. And so, she said last time that life is, more often than not, a struggle. Life is not always nice and pretty and sunny as people are trying to portray it and trying to convince us it is our choice if things are not going the way we want. Which made me think: if life is, in general, a struggle, why do we choose to continue living when things get really bad? Is it the positive moments that we experienced? Is it a hope for better future? Is it a taboo that we made of death and even more of a suicide? Is it something deeper in all of us that nature built in us and goes above all our other rational decisions? Because, let's be honest, we are prone to quit when things get too difficult. Human nature is prone to giving up, unless we have a good vision of what we are fighting for.
I know that my blogs are recently very similar. But my mind is changing and I think writing down helps me and maybe helps people around me understanding me a bit better. I am not a very good talker and I need to be pushed to express myself. Writing, on the other hand, is much easier.
Moving away from what you know is always difficult. And it does not matter if this is a neighbouring country or a country on the other side of the world. Because you need to find yourself again. You need to find your position at work. And, maybe even more importantly, you need to find your position in society. You need to find people you can trust and that can act as your support in good and bad times. And you probably need more than just your partner as people in our lives do need to take different roles and there are rare people that can play all those roles at the same time. And while friends at home will always be there for you, you do need people that are physically present as well. We often rely that this will just happen, but, more often than not, it does require an active input to build your own network. If you are anything like me, this can be particularly problematic and frustrating. While you do need people around you and you have a small number of people around that you call friends and can tell them everything, meeting new people can cause a huge amount of anxiety. Going into a group of people can cause so much anxiety and stress that, at the end, you decide it is just better to stay on your own. I was always jealous at two groups of people. One being the super sociable one, people who seem they can just go anywhere and there will be loved by everyone and will always find a group of people to chat and have conversation. In the other group are people who seem they are just good enough on their own and they do not seem to need anyone.
I firstly thought I am just feeling really lonely. That I miss my friends back home and being very annoyed by myself that I did not make any new friends. Or at least this is how it feels in my mind. Then it became really difficult to go to work. At the beginning I thought it is only because I felt so lonely there- I was surrounded by so many people, but I never felt more alone. But then I also started to realize that I lost my passion, that I do not see anything that would still excite me, that work became just that: work- a place where you come for that 8 hours per day to get your money. I guess both connected together spiralled in my head into a bunch of negative thoughts. That I am a bad scientist. That I am not working enough. That I am a bad friend. That I am not worth having friends. That I make everyone around myself miserable. That no one really cares about me. That no one will miss me even if I am gone.
And then, there are all these questions: do I still want to continue doing what I am doing? Am I good enough for this? What happens if I quit? Do I want to stay here or go back in Europe? And yes, I am stuck. My head is spinning and I am trying to get my mind out of this. And while I can do this on certain days, there are days when everything seems too much to handle on my own. On that days I come back to the beginning of this blog: what are the things that push us further when we have a feeling that life grew too big for us? And: can we push ourselves further on our own or do we need people to help us doing this as well?
I know that my blogs are recently very similar. But my mind is changing and I think writing down helps me and maybe helps people around me understanding me a bit better. I am not a very good talker and I need to be pushed to express myself. Writing, on the other hand, is much easier.
Moving away from what you know is always difficult. And it does not matter if this is a neighbouring country or a country on the other side of the world. Because you need to find yourself again. You need to find your position at work. And, maybe even more importantly, you need to find your position in society. You need to find people you can trust and that can act as your support in good and bad times. And you probably need more than just your partner as people in our lives do need to take different roles and there are rare people that can play all those roles at the same time. And while friends at home will always be there for you, you do need people that are physically present as well. We often rely that this will just happen, but, more often than not, it does require an active input to build your own network. If you are anything like me, this can be particularly problematic and frustrating. While you do need people around you and you have a small number of people around that you call friends and can tell them everything, meeting new people can cause a huge amount of anxiety. Going into a group of people can cause so much anxiety and stress that, at the end, you decide it is just better to stay on your own. I was always jealous at two groups of people. One being the super sociable one, people who seem they can just go anywhere and there will be loved by everyone and will always find a group of people to chat and have conversation. In the other group are people who seem they are just good enough on their own and they do not seem to need anyone.
I firstly thought I am just feeling really lonely. That I miss my friends back home and being very annoyed by myself that I did not make any new friends. Or at least this is how it feels in my mind. Then it became really difficult to go to work. At the beginning I thought it is only because I felt so lonely there- I was surrounded by so many people, but I never felt more alone. But then I also started to realize that I lost my passion, that I do not see anything that would still excite me, that work became just that: work- a place where you come for that 8 hours per day to get your money. I guess both connected together spiralled in my head into a bunch of negative thoughts. That I am a bad scientist. That I am not working enough. That I am a bad friend. That I am not worth having friends. That I make everyone around myself miserable. That no one really cares about me. That no one will miss me even if I am gone.
And then, there are all these questions: do I still want to continue doing what I am doing? Am I good enough for this? What happens if I quit? Do I want to stay here or go back in Europe? And yes, I am stuck. My head is spinning and I am trying to get my mind out of this. And while I can do this on certain days, there are days when everything seems too much to handle on my own. On that days I come back to the beginning of this blog: what are the things that push us further when we have a feeling that life grew too big for us? And: can we push ourselves further on our own or do we need people to help us doing this as well?
četrtek, 5. april 2018
On the other side of the world
I read an interesting article a day ago. It said that people are not supposed to be happy. Because if we would have been, we would be satisfied with what we have and the world would collapse as we would not be looking for better options anymore. I am not sure if I completely agree with this, but it is probably true that we are never completely happy and even when we are, this does not last for too long. We are always looking for improvements and when we are in this state, it is also often difficult to realistically "look" back at how good our lives actually are.
I have been struggling a lot with my life in the past few months. I think it took several months before the reality hit pretty hard. When you move to the other side of the world, you start realising in what kind of a bubble we live in Europe(an Union). Because we can move freely and wherever we go, we are given the same rights that we have in our own country. But when you move somewhere else, things are never that easy: you rely on some sort of a visa that is mostly connected with your job- if you lose a job, you are gone. You are not entitled to the same health insurance system as the locals, if you have kids, you do not get the same amount of support and you need to pay for the school fees. You are not allowed to freely change your work, nor you are allowed to be unemployed ... And no matter how stable your position is, it always stays in your head that everything is just temporary.
It can be quite difficult when the reality hits. We know we left everything back "home" for this and if we do not make it meaningful, it was just a complete waste of time. I think this is something that I am not prepared to accept. I do not want to look back and say that this was a waste of our time. That we left stable lives, our families and friends, an opportunity to maybe start a family, missing so much in the lives of the people we love. But then ... What is the thing that needs to happen in order to not regret this.
Are we learning new things and progressing in our careers? We definitely are, even if we sometimes do not feel like this.
Do we have people around we can call in the middle of the night in case something happens? I think we do.
Are we having people around ourselves that we care enough to do the same? We definitely do!
Do I have a bunch of friends I can go for a coffee and gossip about the people or complain about Mischa and my life in general? Maybe not a bunch, but possibly one or two. Even if this means that sometimes it requires me to make the first step.
Do we generally have a good work/life balance and we can afford everything we need and want? We can.
Is it overall a good experience that will teach us new things and make us stronger people? Hell yeah!
Life can sometimes be so damn hard. It is so easy to be stuck in a rollercoaster of bad feelings. It is so easy to see how others have it better, how others are luckier, how they publish better, how everything they do just works, how they have a bunch of people around themselves when things get bad ... It is quite easy to forget about everything good and feel sad, lonely and depressed. I have felt like that so often in the past few months and things can still so easily trip me over. But then .. This morning I woke up healthy. I am able to walk and I was able to do a running training. I had someone to share my breakfast (and my thoughts) with. I have a roof above my head and I am able to work in a field that is demanding and rewarding. People at home are just a phone call/message away that does not take months before it reaches them. There are probably so many people around the world that would give everything for this. And while I had numerous thoughts recently about how I would do everything to just find an eraser that would allow me to erase myself from this world, I know there are people that would be quite upset if this would actually be possible.
And to conclude this: moving to the other side of the world does make you re-think how important relationships are:
http://www.facebook.com/JayShettyIW/videos/1972836819697440/UzpfSTU5NTM3NDAwMDoxMDE1NTU3NzQ4NzM5NDAwMQ/
Think about everyone that you take for granted, because no one can guarantee that he/she will still be around tomorrow.
I have been struggling a lot with my life in the past few months. I think it took several months before the reality hit pretty hard. When you move to the other side of the world, you start realising in what kind of a bubble we live in Europe(an Union). Because we can move freely and wherever we go, we are given the same rights that we have in our own country. But when you move somewhere else, things are never that easy: you rely on some sort of a visa that is mostly connected with your job- if you lose a job, you are gone. You are not entitled to the same health insurance system as the locals, if you have kids, you do not get the same amount of support and you need to pay for the school fees. You are not allowed to freely change your work, nor you are allowed to be unemployed ... And no matter how stable your position is, it always stays in your head that everything is just temporary.
It can be quite difficult when the reality hits. We know we left everything back "home" for this and if we do not make it meaningful, it was just a complete waste of time. I think this is something that I am not prepared to accept. I do not want to look back and say that this was a waste of our time. That we left stable lives, our families and friends, an opportunity to maybe start a family, missing so much in the lives of the people we love. But then ... What is the thing that needs to happen in order to not regret this.
Are we learning new things and progressing in our careers? We definitely are, even if we sometimes do not feel like this.
Do we have people around we can call in the middle of the night in case something happens? I think we do.
Are we having people around ourselves that we care enough to do the same? We definitely do!
Do I have a bunch of friends I can go for a coffee and gossip about the people or complain about Mischa and my life in general? Maybe not a bunch, but possibly one or two. Even if this means that sometimes it requires me to make the first step.
Do we generally have a good work/life balance and we can afford everything we need and want? We can.
Is it overall a good experience that will teach us new things and make us stronger people? Hell yeah!
Life can sometimes be so damn hard. It is so easy to be stuck in a rollercoaster of bad feelings. It is so easy to see how others have it better, how others are luckier, how they publish better, how everything they do just works, how they have a bunch of people around themselves when things get bad ... It is quite easy to forget about everything good and feel sad, lonely and depressed. I have felt like that so often in the past few months and things can still so easily trip me over. But then .. This morning I woke up healthy. I am able to walk and I was able to do a running training. I had someone to share my breakfast (and my thoughts) with. I have a roof above my head and I am able to work in a field that is demanding and rewarding. People at home are just a phone call/message away that does not take months before it reaches them. There are probably so many people around the world that would give everything for this. And while I had numerous thoughts recently about how I would do everything to just find an eraser that would allow me to erase myself from this world, I know there are people that would be quite upset if this would actually be possible.
And to conclude this: moving to the other side of the world does make you re-think how important relationships are:
http://www.facebook.com/JayShettyIW/videos/1972836819697440/UzpfSTU5NTM3NDAwMDoxMDE1NTU3NzQ4NzM5NDAwMQ/
Think about everyone that you take for granted, because no one can guarantee that he/she will still be around tomorrow.
petek, 2. marec 2018
Like a stone in a shoe
The last few months were difficult. I have constantly cycled between a bunch of emotions: from being really sad to being scared and puzzled and occasionally also quite happy. I guess I became homesick which made me confused. Why now? At the same time I started to feel very lost at work. I don't recall a single day in the past few months when I came to work and did not cry until everyone else came to work as well. When I hoped someone would come and talk to me. On the other hand, I was not able to express what really bothered me when people asked. No one really understood why I am so unhappy when things at work are actually going on so well. Neither did I. I finally had a well behaved project. I was learning all these things I wanted to learn during my PhD. I finally had people around myself that knew what they are doing and to whom I was able to come for an advice basically at any time of the day. I think I finally proved to myself I can do things, that I can actually can get results. That I was only a bit unlucky with my previous project. I was probably the only person I actually had to prove this to as people around me always believed in me. However, with this my life goals started to change as well. If I would not be able to get some good data, I would probably be fine with finding a 9-5 job, but now I might actually have a chance to stay in science and do some cool research. However, I basically lost 4 years of my life where none of the hard work resulted in papers and this is a big drawback. Because papers are the only thing that counts. I guess I started to feel so lost with all these as I this was another part of my life where I started to feel very lonely. Just as you need to be lucky with choosing your projects, you need to be lucky to have people around you that do care about your career and are able to stir you in the right direction when needed.
I have made my last months more difficult than needed. While people around me tried to help, I pushed everyone away. I was overthinking every single action done by others and I was able to see only the times when I was excluded from things, but have never been able to see how often others tried to include me into things. At the end you do not always need to be included into everything as you also do not always include everyone. You do not always need to be the first choice, because at the end you still were a choice (you could not be a choice at all). You do not always need to be the most important, because you are important enough to be a part of a group. It is ok to feel lonely sometimes. It is ok to feel lost.
I have this habit of keeping emails for a long time. I have some emails that were sent back in 2005. And when I do not feel well, these emails come in handy. Our selective memory always works in a way that we forget the bad parts. Years later only good memories remain. Emails can remind you that you did go through similar experiences in your life and that things passed. It was difficult when I started my internship. Both of them. It was difficult when I started with my PhD. And it is normal that it is difficult now sometimes. These difficult times will pass (and they probably already started to do so slowly). I know that when I am in a very bad mood, it is very difficult to see how many good things I have in my life. I have a good job. I am (relatively) healthy and everyone I love and care about is healthy too. I have an awesome family and an amazing husband. I have the best bunch of friends. They might be a bit far away sometimes, but always just a phone call or an email away. I even have some pretty good friends here. I know that my best friend is only one in the world and that no one will be able to be exactly like her. But I am having people I can talk to, I probably just need to show a bit more initiative than I am used (or comfortable) to. Life pushes stones on our paths sometimes and it is not always easy to push them away. But it is never ok to made lives of other people more miserable because you are not in a good mood. And this is exactly what I was doing in the last months I am afraid.
I have made my last months more difficult than needed. While people around me tried to help, I pushed everyone away. I was overthinking every single action done by others and I was able to see only the times when I was excluded from things, but have never been able to see how often others tried to include me into things. At the end you do not always need to be included into everything as you also do not always include everyone. You do not always need to be the first choice, because at the end you still were a choice (you could not be a choice at all). You do not always need to be the most important, because you are important enough to be a part of a group. It is ok to feel lonely sometimes. It is ok to feel lost.
I have this habit of keeping emails for a long time. I have some emails that were sent back in 2005. And when I do not feel well, these emails come in handy. Our selective memory always works in a way that we forget the bad parts. Years later only good memories remain. Emails can remind you that you did go through similar experiences in your life and that things passed. It was difficult when I started my internship. Both of them. It was difficult when I started with my PhD. And it is normal that it is difficult now sometimes. These difficult times will pass (and they probably already started to do so slowly). I know that when I am in a very bad mood, it is very difficult to see how many good things I have in my life. I have a good job. I am (relatively) healthy and everyone I love and care about is healthy too. I have an awesome family and an amazing husband. I have the best bunch of friends. They might be a bit far away sometimes, but always just a phone call or an email away. I even have some pretty good friends here. I know that my best friend is only one in the world and that no one will be able to be exactly like her. But I am having people I can talk to, I probably just need to show a bit more initiative than I am used (or comfortable) to. Life pushes stones on our paths sometimes and it is not always easy to push them away. But it is never ok to made lives of other people more miserable because you are not in a good mood. And this is exactly what I was doing in the last months I am afraid.
torek, 20. februar 2018
It's OK not to be OK
One of the most common things you will hear in Australia is: "How are you?" While I know that people generally expect something in the sense that you are fine, I am still sometimes keen to ask a person if he really wants to know how I am or is it that he just wants to hear an expected answer. In Slovenia (I guess in Europe in general) we only ask people how they feel when we really want to know the true answer and we are prepared to spend time to talk to a person that does not feel well (I have just recently been watching a vlog of an American woman saying how this shocked her after she got married and she moved to Slovenia). I have a feeling that recently people are more often struggling with different mental issues and I guess this is also why the university came up with the slogan that it is Ok not to be OK. However, I guess we still do not know how to deal with it and how to properly deal with these problems. It is funny how human relations are so complicated, how we are able to do high tech research, but when we come to our relationships we can still make them so complicated.
I have been struggling for the last few months. I know it was the same at the end of my first year of my PhD and I managed to come through it. I know that things are most probably just temporary and I just need a bit more of patience. I guess the thing is that even I sometimes do not know what really bothers me, but I do struggle every morning before going to work. I struggle with my self-confidence when I often feel as a big failure and that I cannot really get any valuable results. It does not help that I often feel excluded from the rest of the group and that no one really cares about my opinion or my knowledge. Sometimes it feels like someone would throw me on the floor and stepped over me. I know that relationships we had in Switzerland took time as well and I hope things will change here as well. But I do not remember when I was struggling so much just by going to work. Just to convince myself to go to the lab. Being sad when being left alone for lunch coming so far that recently I rather just skip lunch and not eat anymore.
I have always seen myself as a social person. I was often the organiser. I was happy and cheerful. Now I often find myself alone. I keep quiet in a group of people. Groups of people make me anxious and I know this is difficult to understand. I am waiting for others to come to me as I know that I will take every no as a rejection. And this makes me even more depressed. I wish someone would listen to what I have to say, that someone would ask me about my opinion as well. Now it often feels I am just good in executing the orders. I guess I just wish I would have some friends.
I am quite afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid what it will bring and how much energy it will take to come through the day. Life is so much easier when you are happy ...
I have been struggling for the last few months. I know it was the same at the end of my first year of my PhD and I managed to come through it. I know that things are most probably just temporary and I just need a bit more of patience. I guess the thing is that even I sometimes do not know what really bothers me, but I do struggle every morning before going to work. I struggle with my self-confidence when I often feel as a big failure and that I cannot really get any valuable results. It does not help that I often feel excluded from the rest of the group and that no one really cares about my opinion or my knowledge. Sometimes it feels like someone would throw me on the floor and stepped over me. I know that relationships we had in Switzerland took time as well and I hope things will change here as well. But I do not remember when I was struggling so much just by going to work. Just to convince myself to go to the lab. Being sad when being left alone for lunch coming so far that recently I rather just skip lunch and not eat anymore.
I have always seen myself as a social person. I was often the organiser. I was happy and cheerful. Now I often find myself alone. I keep quiet in a group of people. Groups of people make me anxious and I know this is difficult to understand. I am waiting for others to come to me as I know that I will take every no as a rejection. And this makes me even more depressed. I wish someone would listen to what I have to say, that someone would ask me about my opinion as well. Now it often feels I am just good in executing the orders. I guess I just wish I would have some friends.
I am quite afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid what it will bring and how much energy it will take to come through the day. Life is so much easier when you are happy ...
torek, 23. januar 2018
How are you?
Mischa says I am blogging a lot recently. He is right, I do blog more when I am not feeling well. It is therapeutic, it is like a friend that is always there. It feels better when the words are on the paper (or screen in this instance).
I promised myself to not show others how I feel anymore. As I know that this often turns into the mixture of sadness and anger and I know it is difficult to understand. It is confusing. And it is definitely not worth losing those few people around me that actually care. The ones I like and do want to keep as friends. However, it is difficult when you all of a sudden start feeling really sad. It is difficult to go to work in the morning. It is often difficult to focus on work and this often requires a lot of energy. It is difficult to hold back the tears as you cannot cry in public. On the other hand: it is very easy to feel lonely. It is easy to feel worthless. It is easy to feel that no one cares. I know that I felt similar when I moved to Switzerland. I know that things take time. I know I need to be careful how I act towards people when I feel like that. I know that things will get better, that life is never just bad. I know that things sometimes take just a little bit more time ...
I promised myself to not show others how I feel anymore. As I know that this often turns into the mixture of sadness and anger and I know it is difficult to understand. It is confusing. And it is definitely not worth losing those few people around me that actually care. The ones I like and do want to keep as friends. However, it is difficult when you all of a sudden start feeling really sad. It is difficult to go to work in the morning. It is often difficult to focus on work and this often requires a lot of energy. It is difficult to hold back the tears as you cannot cry in public. On the other hand: it is very easy to feel lonely. It is easy to feel worthless. It is easy to feel that no one cares. I know that I felt similar when I moved to Switzerland. I know that things take time. I know I need to be careful how I act towards people when I feel like that. I know that things will get better, that life is never just bad. I know that things sometimes take just a little bit more time ...
sreda, 17. januar 2018
To be or ...
I sometimes need to remember the times back in the 7th grade when I decided to study (Bio)Chemistry. It is funny how sometimes you exactly know what you want to do. I need to remind myself that at some point I obviously had a vision of what I want to do. Because nowadays things turned and I am not sure if this is really the thing. I definitely still enjoy working in science, but I don't know if I do fit in this. I know that comparing myself to others does not help. I know that I cannot be in the same position and that we all had to start at the beginning and fight our way up the ladder. I hate myself when I know that a single conversation can completely turn my day around. I know that when people say that I did something good, this quickly escapes my brain, but it bothers and bites for a long time when I have a feeling I have not done something good enough. When I think that I will always stay at the same point, that I will never reach a step higher, that I will never be able to apply for my own money, that I will never get good publications ... Mischa says I need to fight and believe in myself, but I guess I am one of those that like to give up. One of those that need more encouragement. One of those that needs to hear things from people I respect for what they have achieved. It is a tough game and when it comes to the fight for positions, you will always be left alone. When it comes to this, relationships that you have do not matter and you need to stand up and fight for yourself as at this point really no one cares what you think or feel. I know I have definitely not learnt how to fight, my low self-esteem does not help with this. I will probably never stand up for myself, but rather just go low and convince myself I do not care.
Maybe I am really not good enough. But this is the only thing I know and this scares me. It makes me so anxious sometimes. I am trying to remember how it felt when I was convinced that this is it and when this doubt into myself started. I guess this does make me give up too often. I often need to convince myself in the morning that it is still worth going to work and that this feeling of not being good enough is just temporary. But then, there is too often that I just wish I could quit everything and leave. I know things only depend on myself and while others can make me feel better with sharing their feelings, no one else is responsible for my happiness.
Maybe I am really not good enough. But this is the only thing I know and this scares me. It makes me so anxious sometimes. I am trying to remember how it felt when I was convinced that this is it and when this doubt into myself started. I guess this does make me give up too often. I often need to convince myself in the morning that it is still worth going to work and that this feeling of not being good enough is just temporary. But then, there is too often that I just wish I could quit everything and leave. I know things only depend on myself and while others can make me feel better with sharing their feelings, no one else is responsible for my happiness.
nedelja, 14. januar 2018
A move
People always move because they are looking for something better. You always wish that the new place will bring new, exciting things. However, sometimes things do not work out the way you hoped for or maybe they just need a bit more time.
Today, Sundays often feel like Sundays in primary school. When I had a long discussion with my mum every Monday morning whether I will go to school or not and I know that my mum was exhausted every day I left the house from trying to convince me that I need to go to school. I know I always felt like I do not belong there and I probably had one real friend through all those years of primary school. Now that we grew up, we get along much better than we did in those days, but I will never forget how difficult things were for me back then. I guess I feel a bit similar nowadays- like I do not belong anywhere and Sundays evening are probably the most difficult. I am afraid of lunchtime when I know that I will most probably eat alone and I will feel rejected, sad and alone. Sometimes, I literally do not speak to anyone the whole day as lots of things that I do take place in the labs where I am alone. I am trying to convince myself it is just work. It is a place to go to do things and get payed. I am convincing myself it is probably just for a few more years. I know that sometimes things feel worse than they are. And I know that there are people who go through much tougher situations than I do: they are maybe having a sick relative/friend, they are maybe sick themselves, there are people with great potential that are stuck in wars and are fighting for their lives every single day ... And I feel sad because it is difficult for me to make new friends and because I cannot see clearly if the work I am doing is good enough. I would often feel quite happy to be on my own, but I guess all this siuation returns me back to the times when I was 7 years old. Just that this time I do not have my mum to fight with. At this point I can take a decision and quit everything. Or I can try and accept the situation I am in and try to take tings less personally. I guess, the same as in the case of school, things will get better with time and I just need to keep fighting with myself.
Today, Sundays often feel like Sundays in primary school. When I had a long discussion with my mum every Monday morning whether I will go to school or not and I know that my mum was exhausted every day I left the house from trying to convince me that I need to go to school. I know I always felt like I do not belong there and I probably had one real friend through all those years of primary school. Now that we grew up, we get along much better than we did in those days, but I will never forget how difficult things were for me back then. I guess I feel a bit similar nowadays- like I do not belong anywhere and Sundays evening are probably the most difficult. I am afraid of lunchtime when I know that I will most probably eat alone and I will feel rejected, sad and alone. Sometimes, I literally do not speak to anyone the whole day as lots of things that I do take place in the labs where I am alone. I am trying to convince myself it is just work. It is a place to go to do things and get payed. I am convincing myself it is probably just for a few more years. I know that sometimes things feel worse than they are. And I know that there are people who go through much tougher situations than I do: they are maybe having a sick relative/friend, they are maybe sick themselves, there are people with great potential that are stuck in wars and are fighting for their lives every single day ... And I feel sad because it is difficult for me to make new friends and because I cannot see clearly if the work I am doing is good enough. I would often feel quite happy to be on my own, but I guess all this siuation returns me back to the times when I was 7 years old. Just that this time I do not have my mum to fight with. At this point I can take a decision and quit everything. Or I can try and accept the situation I am in and try to take tings less personally. I guess, the same as in the case of school, things will get better with time and I just need to keep fighting with myself.
sreda, 10. januar 2018
Days like this
Life can sometimes feel pretty good. But then there is only one day that needs to come that turns everything upside down again. You again feel depressed. There is a lot of darkness all around. You hope everything would dissapear.
Quiting job? Why not, you have not done anything productive anyways. Everyone could have done what you did and you are struggling with some simple tasks for weeks already.
Friends? You thought you made some, but on days like this, it seems there is no one around. No one who would come to you and ask how you feel. I always thought I will be fine on my own, but this feeling of loneliness is slowly killing me. I wish I could scream to get some attention. Instead, it is slowly biting from the inside. I am walking like a tornado, on the outside it seems like I do not care about anything. But I do. I care too much. I am asking myself what is wrong with me that no one likes me. That no one wants to go for coffee with me. What I did wrong that no one wants to be my friend?
On days like this, I wish we would have never moved. I never thought I would have felt the way I feel. I never thought I would wish for someone to come and ask how I am. On days like this ... I just wish they would be over soon.
Quiting job? Why not, you have not done anything productive anyways. Everyone could have done what you did and you are struggling with some simple tasks for weeks already.
Friends? You thought you made some, but on days like this, it seems there is no one around. No one who would come to you and ask how you feel. I always thought I will be fine on my own, but this feeling of loneliness is slowly killing me. I wish I could scream to get some attention. Instead, it is slowly biting from the inside. I am walking like a tornado, on the outside it seems like I do not care about anything. But I do. I care too much. I am asking myself what is wrong with me that no one likes me. That no one wants to go for coffee with me. What I did wrong that no one wants to be my friend?
On days like this, I wish we would have never moved. I never thought I would have felt the way I feel. I never thought I would wish for someone to come and ask how I am. On days like this ... I just wish they would be over soon.
torek, 19. december 2017
Last months ...
And another year passed. A year ago I defended my thesis. I had all my family and friends around myself and I was on top of the mountain. We both had offers in Australia and I was thrilled about the move. I was so loking forward to this, to the new opportunities that are awaiting for us. A year later, the reality hit quite hard.
It has been an interesting year, a year of high highs and equally low lows. The new lab is quite different to the old one and I managed to come to a really good project. Which meant a lot of work, but I always loved spending my time in the lab. When we finally managed to get well diffracting crystals, I started to question myself. I started to have troubles in finidng my position. In my head, I am definitely not a structural biologist and I will never manage to be. My minds became completely occupied with all sorts of questions: can I do it? Shall I quit? What can I actually do? I spent all my life trying to learn things and now it feels like I do not have a single atribute I can use in my favour. For the last two months I have been divided between the thoughts saying I cannot do it and that it is not worth it and a few moments when I had a feeling that I can learn and that nothing is lost so far. Sometimes it feels like my part is done and now it is time to give it away, like it is not my project anymore. All these things made me quite depressed and I had difficulties dealing with everything, pushing the rare few people I have around myself even further away. And while I was asking myself why no one comes to ask if I am OK and to maybe listen to what bothers me, they were most probably equally asking themselves what is going on, leaving space for me to sort my things out. I often wish I would not need this confirmation that I am doing well and that I can learn everyting I decide to learn. I do wish my self-esteem would be better. I do wish I could be proud on myself sometimes and I would not just see the achievements of others and be "jealous". I do wish I could have objectively see my achivements. And I do wish I would not feel ashamed for everything I do not know so far. Yet. Because, at the end, we are all constantly learning and nohthing is ever just given to you.
It has been an interesting year, a year of high highs and equally low lows. The new lab is quite different to the old one and I managed to come to a really good project. Which meant a lot of work, but I always loved spending my time in the lab. When we finally managed to get well diffracting crystals, I started to question myself. I started to have troubles in finidng my position. In my head, I am definitely not a structural biologist and I will never manage to be. My minds became completely occupied with all sorts of questions: can I do it? Shall I quit? What can I actually do? I spent all my life trying to learn things and now it feels like I do not have a single atribute I can use in my favour. For the last two months I have been divided between the thoughts saying I cannot do it and that it is not worth it and a few moments when I had a feeling that I can learn and that nothing is lost so far. Sometimes it feels like my part is done and now it is time to give it away, like it is not my project anymore. All these things made me quite depressed and I had difficulties dealing with everything, pushing the rare few people I have around myself even further away. And while I was asking myself why no one comes to ask if I am OK and to maybe listen to what bothers me, they were most probably equally asking themselves what is going on, leaving space for me to sort my things out. I often wish I would not need this confirmation that I am doing well and that I can learn everyting I decide to learn. I do wish my self-esteem would be better. I do wish I could be proud on myself sometimes and I would not just see the achievements of others and be "jealous". I do wish I could have objectively see my achivements. And I do wish I would not feel ashamed for everything I do not know so far. Yet. Because, at the end, we are all constantly learning and nohthing is ever just given to you.
sreda, 22. november 2017
A rollercoaster of emotions
It seems that lately my feelings and emotions change daily. Probably more hourly than daily, to be honest. Quite often even I do not understand myself, but I expect others to do so. I was able to just start crying out of nothing and there was no reason for it. I know I just hopped there would be someone to offer a shoulder to cry on, but with everyone being far away, that was quite an optimistic wish.
I guess there was a combination of things that made me feel the way I felt: the end of the year, the end of my contract, not knowing exactly how to tackle this: whether I should go to talk to my supervisor or wait for him to bring things up ... Taking into the account that we both depend on my working visa, there is much more on the line than just the fact that I might be without a job at some point. On the other hand, people around us are getting back the results of their grants application, planning their future, applying for permanent residence and citizenship that definitely brings more stability. With all the changes that the government is making, it sometimes feels that it is now or never: if we do not do a move now, we will most probably be screwed. On the other hand, we can just go as it is and hope for the best and that the time will put things into the right order. The way we were raised makes me (us) anxious, but maybe taking a step back would make our lives a bit easier. If nothing changes, we can go back to Europe in two years and if things work out good, we might stay here.
I often have a feeling that none of us is really happy though, that we are both struggling with enjoying our time here. And that it is all my fault as it has been my idea to come here in the first place. While I know I did learn a lot, I still have a feeling I have not achieved much and I often feel like a failure. Nevertheless, it is not all just black and white: we live 1.5 km from the beach, we are able to eat most of our dinners outside and go to the beach for an ice cream afterwards. On a weekday. We can spend a lot of our time together. It often feels like a seaside when you inhale fresh salty air when you step out of the flat in the morning. This is often connected with the smell of Eucalypt trees. I am able to cycle to work and go running most days. However, I often feel lonely. I miss having someone that would drag me out on a bad day. I still have very small circle of people around myself. When it comes to this, Mischa says I have a "middle child syndrome": I am very protective of people I like and I am afraid someone will take them away. He is probably right, I often wish I would be more like him, more social and less introverted. Things sometimes just need some more time and patience ...
I guess there was a combination of things that made me feel the way I felt: the end of the year, the end of my contract, not knowing exactly how to tackle this: whether I should go to talk to my supervisor or wait for him to bring things up ... Taking into the account that we both depend on my working visa, there is much more on the line than just the fact that I might be without a job at some point. On the other hand, people around us are getting back the results of their grants application, planning their future, applying for permanent residence and citizenship that definitely brings more stability. With all the changes that the government is making, it sometimes feels that it is now or never: if we do not do a move now, we will most probably be screwed. On the other hand, we can just go as it is and hope for the best and that the time will put things into the right order. The way we were raised makes me (us) anxious, but maybe taking a step back would make our lives a bit easier. If nothing changes, we can go back to Europe in two years and if things work out good, we might stay here.
I often have a feeling that none of us is really happy though, that we are both struggling with enjoying our time here. And that it is all my fault as it has been my idea to come here in the first place. While I know I did learn a lot, I still have a feeling I have not achieved much and I often feel like a failure. Nevertheless, it is not all just black and white: we live 1.5 km from the beach, we are able to eat most of our dinners outside and go to the beach for an ice cream afterwards. On a weekday. We can spend a lot of our time together. It often feels like a seaside when you inhale fresh salty air when you step out of the flat in the morning. This is often connected with the smell of Eucalypt trees. I am able to cycle to work and go running most days. However, I often feel lonely. I miss having someone that would drag me out on a bad day. I still have very small circle of people around myself. When it comes to this, Mischa says I have a "middle child syndrome": I am very protective of people I like and I am afraid someone will take them away. He is probably right, I often wish I would be more like him, more social and less introverted. Things sometimes just need some more time and patience ...
ponedeljek, 6. november 2017
Japonske prigode
Pred nekaj meseci smo se odločili, da se poskusimo prijaviti za eksperiment na Japonskem. Nismo imeli česa bistvenega za izgubiti, nismo pa tudi pričakovali, da bo naša prijava dejansko odobrena. No ... Ne samo, da je bil naš ekperiment odobren, naš projekt je celo kotiral v najvišjo četrtino prijavljenih projektov. Tako smo se morali odločiti kdo bo odšel, kako bomo tja potovali in seveda je bilo potrebno Japoncem posredovati en kup papirjev. Večina je tja odpotovala s papirnato pošto.
V končni fazi sva se na pot odpravila skupaj s sodelavcem. Pot naju je vodila čez Hong Kong do Osake ter nato še nekaj ur z vlakom proti jugu. Slaba odločitev! Nekaj ur pred odhodom smo še izbirali katere vzorce bomo vzeli s seboj, da o tem, da naju je skrbelo kako bova spravila dryshipper na letalo, ne govorimo. Po pravilih letalske zveze, naj ne bi bilo problema, priznam pa, da cela stvar izgleda malo nenavadno in seveda je obstajala možnost, da nama ga zavrnejo pri prijavi na let. Aja, pa čez Japonsko se je ravno tisti dan premikal tajfun, tako da nisva imela nobene garancije, da bova dejansko prišla na cilj pravočasno. No, najina pot se ne bi mogla začeti bolj enostavno in pol ure po prihodu na letališče sva že sedela na večerji in sangriji, ki naju je ravno prijetno omamila, da sva večino leta prespala. Pot do Osake je bila dolga, a enostavna. Tukaj pa se je vse skupaj zaključilo. Po nakupu kart za vlak, sva nekako našla peron, na katerem so ljudje stali v vrstah, ki so se vile v vse mogoče strani. Sama sem se obračala okoli, da bi mogoče našla nekoga, ki bi naju znal usmeriti. Neuspešno. Kar niti ni bilo pomembno, ker so se čez pol ure vsi ljudje nekam premaknili. S težavo sva ugotovila, da vlaka ne bo, ker se je en vlak pokvaril v predoru. Da je bila cela situacija totalno kaotična, je poskrbelo še to, da itak večina prevozov ni vozila, ker so morali stvar po tajfunu ponovno vzpostaviti. Odločiva se, da greva na avtobus. Neuspešno. Taksi torej! Tudi na taksi sva čakala več kot dobro uro, ampak po uri vožnje (in plačanih 200 dolarjih), sva končno prispela do naslednje železniške postaje, od koder ja najina pot potekala precej bolj enostavno. Do sinhrotrona sva tako prispela ob 22.10 (latest check-in je bil baje ob 22). Po telefonskem klicu, nama je gospod v pižami uspel predati ključe najine sobe. Da sva praktično popadala v postelji, ni potrebno posebaj poudarjati..
Naslednji dan naju je čakal eksperiment: zajtrk, predavanje o radiaciji in varnosti in iskanje najinega "hutcha" (=prostor, kjer se izvajajo eksperimenti). Človek bi si mislim, da to ne bi smelo biti tako težko, ker je sinhrotron okrogel in se je praktično nemogoče izgubiti v orkogli stavbi. Ponovna napaka! Ki sva jo še dodatno plačala, ker sva s seboj tovorila 15 kg težak dryshipper. Po tem, ko sva se bila prisiljena ustaviti na pol poti, ker ni bilo več prehoda in sva se nato skoraj ponovno izgubila, sva ugotovila, da ima ta dotični sinhrotron notranji in zunanji obroč in samo notranji obroč je dejansko neprekinjen. Z rahlo zamudo sva torej prispela. Nato so se stvari hiro odvile. Eksperiment je bil zelo uspešen, Japonci pa so naju totalno navdušili! Ne vem, če sem kdaj imela tako pozitivno izkušnjo z ljudmi in njihovim odnosom do našega dela. Definitivno vredno tega, da se ponovno vrnemo.
Naslednje jutro sva se odločila, da preskočiva zajtrk in raje poiščeva hrano na letališču, kamor bi morala prispeli kar nekaj dobrih ur pred odhodom letala. Tako sva vzela avtobus do prve železniške postaje, ki je trajal prb. 40 min. Ko prispeva tja, moj sodelavec ugotovi, da je na avtobusni postaji pozabil mobitel. Časovno je imel še ravno dovolj časa, da odide nazaj in pogleda, če je njegov mobitel še vedno tam. Mobitel je bil uspešno najden, najina pot pa je tako dobila +2 uri. Na letališče sva tako prispela le dve uri pred odhodom letala. Greva nekaj pojest, nato pa v nakupe čokolade z zelenim čajem in ostalih japonskih dobrot. Pred najina vrata odhoda tako prideva pol ure pred odhodom leala, ko moj sodelavec ponovno začne iskati mobitel. Ki ga ni. Tako teče nazaj do restavracije in s telefonom prispe ravno v trenutku, ko začnemo vkrcavanje na letalo. Baje so te stvari rezultat utrujenosti. Priznam, da tudi mene do tega trenutka že totalno zmanjkuje.
Let nazaj je bil ok, sva pa rabila nekaj časa, da sva si opomogla. Cela pot je bila absolutno vredna, a bomo naslednjič stvari naredili malo bolj "na izi".
V končni fazi sva se na pot odpravila skupaj s sodelavcem. Pot naju je vodila čez Hong Kong do Osake ter nato še nekaj ur z vlakom proti jugu. Slaba odločitev! Nekaj ur pred odhodom smo še izbirali katere vzorce bomo vzeli s seboj, da o tem, da naju je skrbelo kako bova spravila dryshipper na letalo, ne govorimo. Po pravilih letalske zveze, naj ne bi bilo problema, priznam pa, da cela stvar izgleda malo nenavadno in seveda je obstajala možnost, da nama ga zavrnejo pri prijavi na let. Aja, pa čez Japonsko se je ravno tisti dan premikal tajfun, tako da nisva imela nobene garancije, da bova dejansko prišla na cilj pravočasno. No, najina pot se ne bi mogla začeti bolj enostavno in pol ure po prihodu na letališče sva že sedela na večerji in sangriji, ki naju je ravno prijetno omamila, da sva večino leta prespala. Pot do Osake je bila dolga, a enostavna. Tukaj pa se je vse skupaj zaključilo. Po nakupu kart za vlak, sva nekako našla peron, na katerem so ljudje stali v vrstah, ki so se vile v vse mogoče strani. Sama sem se obračala okoli, da bi mogoče našla nekoga, ki bi naju znal usmeriti. Neuspešno. Kar niti ni bilo pomembno, ker so se čez pol ure vsi ljudje nekam premaknili. S težavo sva ugotovila, da vlaka ne bo, ker se je en vlak pokvaril v predoru. Da je bila cela situacija totalno kaotična, je poskrbelo še to, da itak večina prevozov ni vozila, ker so morali stvar po tajfunu ponovno vzpostaviti. Odločiva se, da greva na avtobus. Neuspešno. Taksi torej! Tudi na taksi sva čakala več kot dobro uro, ampak po uri vožnje (in plačanih 200 dolarjih), sva končno prispela do naslednje železniške postaje, od koder ja najina pot potekala precej bolj enostavno. Do sinhrotrona sva tako prispela ob 22.10 (latest check-in je bil baje ob 22). Po telefonskem klicu, nama je gospod v pižami uspel predati ključe najine sobe. Da sva praktično popadala v postelji, ni potrebno posebaj poudarjati..
Naslednji dan naju je čakal eksperiment: zajtrk, predavanje o radiaciji in varnosti in iskanje najinega "hutcha" (=prostor, kjer se izvajajo eksperimenti). Človek bi si mislim, da to ne bi smelo biti tako težko, ker je sinhrotron okrogel in se je praktično nemogoče izgubiti v orkogli stavbi. Ponovna napaka! Ki sva jo še dodatno plačala, ker sva s seboj tovorila 15 kg težak dryshipper. Po tem, ko sva se bila prisiljena ustaviti na pol poti, ker ni bilo več prehoda in sva se nato skoraj ponovno izgubila, sva ugotovila, da ima ta dotični sinhrotron notranji in zunanji obroč in samo notranji obroč je dejansko neprekinjen. Z rahlo zamudo sva torej prispela. Nato so se stvari hiro odvile. Eksperiment je bil zelo uspešen, Japonci pa so naju totalno navdušili! Ne vem, če sem kdaj imela tako pozitivno izkušnjo z ljudmi in njihovim odnosom do našega dela. Definitivno vredno tega, da se ponovno vrnemo.
Naslednje jutro sva se odločila, da preskočiva zajtrk in raje poiščeva hrano na letališču, kamor bi morala prispeli kar nekaj dobrih ur pred odhodom letala. Tako sva vzela avtobus do prve železniške postaje, ki je trajal prb. 40 min. Ko prispeva tja, moj sodelavec ugotovi, da je na avtobusni postaji pozabil mobitel. Časovno je imel še ravno dovolj časa, da odide nazaj in pogleda, če je njegov mobitel še vedno tam. Mobitel je bil uspešno najden, najina pot pa je tako dobila +2 uri. Na letališče sva tako prispela le dve uri pred odhodom letala. Greva nekaj pojest, nato pa v nakupe čokolade z zelenim čajem in ostalih japonskih dobrot. Pred najina vrata odhoda tako prideva pol ure pred odhodom leala, ko moj sodelavec ponovno začne iskati mobitel. Ki ga ni. Tako teče nazaj do restavracije in s telefonom prispe ravno v trenutku, ko začnemo vkrcavanje na letalo. Baje so te stvari rezultat utrujenosti. Priznam, da tudi mene do tega trenutka že totalno zmanjkuje.
Let nazaj je bil ok, sva pa rabila nekaj časa, da sva si opomogla. Cela pot je bila absolutno vredna, a bomo naslednjič stvari naredili malo bolj "na izi".
nedelja, 6. avgust 2017
Pripadnost nečemu/nekomu
Razlogov za odhod je verjetno toliko kot je ljudi, ki so kdajkoli odšli: želja po boljšem življenju, iskanje dogodivščine, selitev k partnerju, možnost dodatne/bojše izobrazbe ... Prav vsem odhodom pa je skupno nekaj: vsi za seboj pustijo prav vse, kar so prej poznali. Družino, prijatelje, udobje vsakodnevne rutine ... Selitve so stresne: že znotraj iste države je včasih težko, selitev v drugo državo pa ta faktor še poveča. Kamorkoli prideš, vedno začneš znova, ne glede na pozicijo. Tudi v znanosti je tako, ko prideš v nov laboratorij, vedno vzame nekaj časa, da ljudje ugotovijo kakšno znanje si prinesel s seboj in da začnejo verjeti, da ti lahko zaupajo. Poleg tega je vse novo: osvojiti moraš kako najti stanovanje, kako je organiziran zdravstveni sistem, kaj vse moraš narediti, ko kupiš nov avto ... Prvi nakupi v trgovini vzamejo ure, ker seveda stvari niso tam, kjer bi jih pričakoval. In priznam, odhodi v trgovino se pogosto končajo z googlanjem: "Kje najti ... v ...?" Ampak, to so vse stvari, na katere se lahko zelo hitro navadiš. In nato ugotoviš, da že kar nekaj časa nisi slišal ničesar od svojih prijateljev, da življenje doma teče dalje tudi brez tebe, da si bil pač ti tisti, ki se je odločil oditi. In prav lahko se je hitro ujeti v nek krog (ne)pošiljanja sporočil, čakanja na drugega in izgovorov zakaj še vedno nisi odgovoril na sporočilo prijatelja izpred tednov. Prav vsi se ujamemo v to in počasi pustimo, da nam stvari spolzijo iz rok.
Zanimivo kako ob selitvi vedno pogrešamo tisto, kar smo pred tem imeli na dosegu roke. Tako sva, na primer, v Evropi pogrešala Tim Tame in honeycomb. Odkar sva tu, sva verjetno kupila točno en paket Tim Tamov, zato pa toliko bolj pogrešava Cockto, Smokije in Laderach. Pa gore. In predvsem njihovo dostopnost. In dobro izolirana stanovanja. Predvsem pa mi manjka nekdo, s komer bi lahko popoldne šla na kavo in povedala vse, kar me teži. V bistvu se do pred kratkim nisem zavedala, da sem imela srečo, da sem v Švici v zelo kratkem času spoznala nekaj ljudi, ki so hitro postali dobri prijatelji (poleg tega, da je Švica blizu in da se je praktično istočasno iz Slovenije preselilo tudi nekaj ostalih prijateljev). Tukaj te sreče še nimava. Čeprav sva spoznala nekaj simpatičnih ljudi, sva kar kmalu ugotovila, da nas očitno ne druži prav veliko skupnega in da druženje deluje le kadar sva midva pobudnika le-tega. V Švici velja pravilo, da se je najlažje vključiti v družbo preko športa in tako se veselim poletja, ko bodo razmere končno bolj ugodne za letenje in plezanje.
Še vedno me včasih prevzame občutek, da bi se najraje zaprla v kokon in vse skupaj prespala. Potem se zavem, da je to pač pot za katero sva se odločila in da sta pred nama le dve leti in pol, ko se bova lahko ponovno odločila kaj je za naju najbolje. Do takrat pa sva le midva odgovorna za to, da nama je tu lepo.
Zanimivo kako ob selitvi vedno pogrešamo tisto, kar smo pred tem imeli na dosegu roke. Tako sva, na primer, v Evropi pogrešala Tim Tame in honeycomb. Odkar sva tu, sva verjetno kupila točno en paket Tim Tamov, zato pa toliko bolj pogrešava Cockto, Smokije in Laderach. Pa gore. In predvsem njihovo dostopnost. In dobro izolirana stanovanja. Predvsem pa mi manjka nekdo, s komer bi lahko popoldne šla na kavo in povedala vse, kar me teži. V bistvu se do pred kratkim nisem zavedala, da sem imela srečo, da sem v Švici v zelo kratkem času spoznala nekaj ljudi, ki so hitro postali dobri prijatelji (poleg tega, da je Švica blizu in da se je praktično istočasno iz Slovenije preselilo tudi nekaj ostalih prijateljev). Tukaj te sreče še nimava. Čeprav sva spoznala nekaj simpatičnih ljudi, sva kar kmalu ugotovila, da nas očitno ne druži prav veliko skupnega in da druženje deluje le kadar sva midva pobudnika le-tega. V Švici velja pravilo, da se je najlažje vključiti v družbo preko športa in tako se veselim poletja, ko bodo razmere končno bolj ugodne za letenje in plezanje.
Še vedno me včasih prevzame občutek, da bi se najraje zaprla v kokon in vse skupaj prespala. Potem se zavem, da je to pač pot za katero sva se odločila in da sta pred nama le dve leti in pol, ko se bova lahko ponovno odločila kaj je za naju najbolje. Do takrat pa sva le midva odgovorna za to, da nama je tu lepo.
ponedeljek, 3. julij 2017
Zakaj internet ne prenese vsega kar zapišemo
Mesec maj je vedno tudi v znamenju teka, ki se imenuje "Wings for life." Ne samo, da je tek povsem drugačen od vseh ostalih tekmovanj, denar, ki se zbere preko štartnin, je tudi namenjen raziskovanju poškodb hrbtenjače. K pisanju tega bloga pa me je vzpodbudil komentar na internetu, ki se je najprej obregnil ob moto tega teka, nato pa nadaljeval z vprašanjem kako smo lahko prepričani, da gre denar res v prave roke. Nadaljevanje je bilo še bolj bizarno, avtorica posta se je namreč začela spraševati kako smo lahko prepričani, da se pri raziskavah ni mučilo živali. Facebook je odprt za vsa mogoča vprašanja, pa začnimo na začetku ...
Moto teka je: "Tečem za tiste, ki tega ne morejo." Tukaj dam avtorici pripombe delno prav, verjetno si tudi tisti na vozičkih želijo teči in si ne želijo, da namesto njih to počnemo drugi. Ne glede na to, pa moto točno pove kakšen je namen teka: ozaveščati o poškodbah hrbtenjače in hkrati pridobti nekaj denarja za nujno pomembne raziskave. Znanost je, poleg umetnosti, ena izmed tistih stvari, pri kateri je državi najlažje odvzeti nekaj denarja. Za večino ljudi vsakodnevne raziskave pač niso pomembne in se ne zavedajo, da je bila velika večina odkritij odkrita ravno zaadi tega, ker je znanost imela dovolj denarja. Žal se tega pogosto zavedamo le takrat, ko zbolimo in si neskončno želimo, da bi nam nekdo pomagal.
Ko se odločimo, da bomo donirali denar, nikoli ne moremo biti 100% prepričani, da bo denar šel v prave roke. Če vložimo nekaj časa, pa lahko v današnjem svetu zlahka prevesimo ta % proti visoki številki. Pet minut mi je vzelo, da sem našla, da je idejni vodja tega teka tudi sam na invalidskem vozičku. To je zame dovolj, da verjamem, da gre denar res v prave roke. In, če ne gre, potem več ne morem narediti. Edino kar lahko naredim je, da potem nikoli ničesar ne doniram.
Del komentarja, ki me je seveda najbolj zmotil, je bil ta o mučenju živali. Trenutno imam to srečo, da delam v laboratoriju, kjer lahko izvajamo tudi poskuse na živalih. Srečo zato, ker je potrebno vse zdravila najprej stestirati preden jih lahko pošljemo naprej in dejstvo, da vemo kako delujejo na miših, definitivno pomaga pri odločanju ali se splača v to investirati več časa (in denarja) ali ne. In naj tule povem, da moramo za vsako miško, ki jo uporabimo za raziskave, najprej napisati prošnjo, ki mora iti skozi etično komisijo. To so dolgi in zamudni postopki in lahko ste prepričani, da komisija ne odobri prošenj, ki nimajo utemeljenega razloga in če bi lahko poskuse opravili brez poskusov na živali. Vse živali so med poskusi nadzorovane in ob najmanjšem sumu, da žival trpi, jo je potrebno usmrtiti. Prav tako je treba voditi evidence o tem kaj natančno se je dogajalo z vsako miško od trenutka, ko je prišla na svet do njene smrti. Sigurno trpijo veliko manj od tistih miši, ki jih vaš maček na pol mrtve prinese domov kot trofejo. In če to niso zadostni razlogi, si samo zamislite naslednjo situacijo: v nesreči ste si poškodovali hrbtenjačo do take mere, da se ne morete premikati in vas morajo vaši bližnji hraniti po žlici. Mentalno ste še vedno na enaki ravni kot pred nesrečo. Bi se v tem primeru še vedno spraševali o mučenju živali (naj še enkrat poudarim, da živali v laboratoriju niso mučene) ali bi si želeli, da bi našli rešitev za vaše poškodbe.
In naj na koncu dodam samo še nekaj o našem delu. Medtem, ko se v javnosti razpravlja o zaslužkih farmacije in denarju v znanosti, večina raziskovalcev živi podobno življenje mojemu. V službo navadno prihajam med 7 in 7.30, domov grem med 5.30 in 6 popoldne. Včasih delam čez vikende in ponoči (vsakih nekaj mesecev celo noč). Včasih nam par ur pred eksperimentom sporočijo, da lahko uporabimo določeno aparaturo in potem smo spet v službi celo noč. Verjetno je tudi to razlog, da bodo otroci še nekaj časa počakali. Na teden oddelam mnogo več od tistih plačanih 40 ur, nadure niso plačane, pa tudi dodatnega dopusta ne morem vzeti. V službo se vozim z javnim prevozom, ki ga tukaj plačujem sama, enako velja za malico/kosilo. In če je slučajno začelo zveneti, kot da jamram ... Ne! To defitinivno ni namen, želim le predstaviti realno sliko našega dela. Ker ne verjamem, da bi kdorkoli izmed nas bil v našem poklicu, če v tem ne bi užival in če ne bi resnično verjeli, da lahko s svojim delom pripomoremo k boljšemu življenju nas vseh.
Raziskovalci se trudimo svoje delo na čim bolj razumljiv način predstaviti javnosti. Ko boste imeli čas, se le odpravite na noč znanstvenikov ali pa na znanstival (oziroma kakšno podobno prireditev). In če se vrnem na začetek tega bloga: ko vam v denarnici ostane kakšen "odvečen" evro, ga le donirajte. Vsak človek lahko najde nekaj/nekoga, ki mu lahko pomaga.
Moto teka je: "Tečem za tiste, ki tega ne morejo." Tukaj dam avtorici pripombe delno prav, verjetno si tudi tisti na vozičkih želijo teči in si ne želijo, da namesto njih to počnemo drugi. Ne glede na to, pa moto točno pove kakšen je namen teka: ozaveščati o poškodbah hrbtenjače in hkrati pridobti nekaj denarja za nujno pomembne raziskave. Znanost je, poleg umetnosti, ena izmed tistih stvari, pri kateri je državi najlažje odvzeti nekaj denarja. Za večino ljudi vsakodnevne raziskave pač niso pomembne in se ne zavedajo, da je bila velika večina odkritij odkrita ravno zaadi tega, ker je znanost imela dovolj denarja. Žal se tega pogosto zavedamo le takrat, ko zbolimo in si neskončno želimo, da bi nam nekdo pomagal.
Ko se odločimo, da bomo donirali denar, nikoli ne moremo biti 100% prepričani, da bo denar šel v prave roke. Če vložimo nekaj časa, pa lahko v današnjem svetu zlahka prevesimo ta % proti visoki številki. Pet minut mi je vzelo, da sem našla, da je idejni vodja tega teka tudi sam na invalidskem vozičku. To je zame dovolj, da verjamem, da gre denar res v prave roke. In, če ne gre, potem več ne morem narediti. Edino kar lahko naredim je, da potem nikoli ničesar ne doniram.
Del komentarja, ki me je seveda najbolj zmotil, je bil ta o mučenju živali. Trenutno imam to srečo, da delam v laboratoriju, kjer lahko izvajamo tudi poskuse na živalih. Srečo zato, ker je potrebno vse zdravila najprej stestirati preden jih lahko pošljemo naprej in dejstvo, da vemo kako delujejo na miših, definitivno pomaga pri odločanju ali se splača v to investirati več časa (in denarja) ali ne. In naj tule povem, da moramo za vsako miško, ki jo uporabimo za raziskave, najprej napisati prošnjo, ki mora iti skozi etično komisijo. To so dolgi in zamudni postopki in lahko ste prepričani, da komisija ne odobri prošenj, ki nimajo utemeljenega razloga in če bi lahko poskuse opravili brez poskusov na živali. Vse živali so med poskusi nadzorovane in ob najmanjšem sumu, da žival trpi, jo je potrebno usmrtiti. Prav tako je treba voditi evidence o tem kaj natančno se je dogajalo z vsako miško od trenutka, ko je prišla na svet do njene smrti. Sigurno trpijo veliko manj od tistih miši, ki jih vaš maček na pol mrtve prinese domov kot trofejo. In če to niso zadostni razlogi, si samo zamislite naslednjo situacijo: v nesreči ste si poškodovali hrbtenjačo do take mere, da se ne morete premikati in vas morajo vaši bližnji hraniti po žlici. Mentalno ste še vedno na enaki ravni kot pred nesrečo. Bi se v tem primeru še vedno spraševali o mučenju živali (naj še enkrat poudarim, da živali v laboratoriju niso mučene) ali bi si želeli, da bi našli rešitev za vaše poškodbe.
In naj na koncu dodam samo še nekaj o našem delu. Medtem, ko se v javnosti razpravlja o zaslužkih farmacije in denarju v znanosti, večina raziskovalcev živi podobno življenje mojemu. V službo navadno prihajam med 7 in 7.30, domov grem med 5.30 in 6 popoldne. Včasih delam čez vikende in ponoči (vsakih nekaj mesecev celo noč). Včasih nam par ur pred eksperimentom sporočijo, da lahko uporabimo določeno aparaturo in potem smo spet v službi celo noč. Verjetno je tudi to razlog, da bodo otroci še nekaj časa počakali. Na teden oddelam mnogo več od tistih plačanih 40 ur, nadure niso plačane, pa tudi dodatnega dopusta ne morem vzeti. V službo se vozim z javnim prevozom, ki ga tukaj plačujem sama, enako velja za malico/kosilo. In če je slučajno začelo zveneti, kot da jamram ... Ne! To defitinivno ni namen, želim le predstaviti realno sliko našega dela. Ker ne verjamem, da bi kdorkoli izmed nas bil v našem poklicu, če v tem ne bi užival in če ne bi resnično verjeli, da lahko s svojim delom pripomoremo k boljšemu življenju nas vseh.
Raziskovalci se trudimo svoje delo na čim bolj razumljiv način predstaviti javnosti. Ko boste imeli čas, se le odpravite na noč znanstvenikov ali pa na znanstival (oziroma kakšno podobno prireditev). In če se vrnem na začetek tega bloga: ko vam v denarnici ostane kakšen "odvečen" evro, ga le donirajte. Vsak človek lahko najde nekaj/nekoga, ki mu lahko pomaga.
nedelja, 11. junij 2017
Nedeljsko jutro
Ni lepšega od dobro izkoriščenega nedeljskega jutra. Tako me je moja notranja budilka zbudila ob 6.30 in mi tako omogočila, da uživam ob sončnem vzhodu iz najinege dnevne sobe. Zunaj je baje 6 stopinj, zato je danes očitno prvi dan, ko bom nase neavlekla dolge tekaške hlače. No ja, pa saj baje se je s prvim junijem tudi uradno začela zima. Najprej sem hotela v ušesa namestiti še slušalke, pa sem se nato odločila, da imam tako ali tako dovolj stvari za premislit. Že tako si preredko vzamemo čas, da smo samo sami s seboj, vedno smo v družbi ali pa visimo na telefonu. Včasih si zjutraj na tramvaju vzamem čas in opazujem ljudi in okolico in zmeraj mi je žal za vse tiste, ki samo gledajo v svoj telefon, medtem ko se nad reko prebuja dan in na nebu ustvarja najlepše možne barve.
Po prvem kilometru in pol, ko moram prečkati šestpasovnico in 4 semaforje, končno pridem do obale. Vdihnem morski zrak- tega se ne bom nikoli naveličala. Navadno lahko ob morju tečem le poleti, ko je že ob sedmih zjutraj zunaj vsaj 25 stopinj in tako danes prav uživam v bolj ugodnih temperaturah za tek. Kljub zgodnji uri, je zunaj že kar nekaj tekačev, sprehajalcev psov in kolesarjev. Ja, ne pravijo zaman, da je Melbourne eno najbolj športnih mest na svetu. Tečem proti Port Melbournu in se spomnim na študijo, ki sem jo brala pred kratkim, kjer so tekače spraševali o čem razmišljajo o teku. Zanimivo (ali pa tudi ne), so najpogostejše teme: okolica, koliko časa bodo še tekli, tempto teka in kako jih je težko (če sem si prav zapomnila in ne nujno v tem vrstnem redu). Moje misli se ponavadi vrtijo nekje med tem kako trpim, kako uživam, kaj imam za narediti v službi/doma in pogostokrat se mi med tekom utrnejo tudi najboljše ideje in rešitve problemov, ki jih imam v službi. Tokrat predvsem globoko diham, občudujem morje in se zavedam kako srečna sem lahko, da sem tu, da imam dve zdravi nogi in da imam dejansko možnost, da delam kar me je volja. V daljavi se svetlika "Spirit of Tasmania", ki me vedno znova spominja na to, da sva si obljubila, da se bova tokrat res odpravila tudi na Tasmanijo. Malo pred Port Melbournom me zaštiha v hrbtu (ja, verjetno bo res čas, da poleg teka končno vključim še vaje za moč), potem se začnejo še krči v nogah (predvidevam, da filter, ki ga imava za vodo odstranjuje tudi magnezij in ostale ione- verjetno ne bi bilo slabo kupiti še kakšnega dodatka magnezija), ampak se vseeno odločim in nadaljujem. Prijetno sonce in rahel vetrič (ali kako že pravijo Orleki) in 16 kilometrov je dejansko minilo še predno se tega dobro zavem. Mischa še spi, ampak kmalu bo čas za budnico- pred nama je še zanimiv dan ...
Po prvem kilometru in pol, ko moram prečkati šestpasovnico in 4 semaforje, končno pridem do obale. Vdihnem morski zrak- tega se ne bom nikoli naveličala. Navadno lahko ob morju tečem le poleti, ko je že ob sedmih zjutraj zunaj vsaj 25 stopinj in tako danes prav uživam v bolj ugodnih temperaturah za tek. Kljub zgodnji uri, je zunaj že kar nekaj tekačev, sprehajalcev psov in kolesarjev. Ja, ne pravijo zaman, da je Melbourne eno najbolj športnih mest na svetu. Tečem proti Port Melbournu in se spomnim na študijo, ki sem jo brala pred kratkim, kjer so tekače spraševali o čem razmišljajo o teku. Zanimivo (ali pa tudi ne), so najpogostejše teme: okolica, koliko časa bodo še tekli, tempto teka in kako jih je težko (če sem si prav zapomnila in ne nujno v tem vrstnem redu). Moje misli se ponavadi vrtijo nekje med tem kako trpim, kako uživam, kaj imam za narediti v službi/doma in pogostokrat se mi med tekom utrnejo tudi najboljše ideje in rešitve problemov, ki jih imam v službi. Tokrat predvsem globoko diham, občudujem morje in se zavedam kako srečna sem lahko, da sem tu, da imam dve zdravi nogi in da imam dejansko možnost, da delam kar me je volja. V daljavi se svetlika "Spirit of Tasmania", ki me vedno znova spominja na to, da sva si obljubila, da se bova tokrat res odpravila tudi na Tasmanijo. Malo pred Port Melbournom me zaštiha v hrbtu (ja, verjetno bo res čas, da poleg teka končno vključim še vaje za moč), potem se začnejo še krči v nogah (predvidevam, da filter, ki ga imava za vodo odstranjuje tudi magnezij in ostale ione- verjetno ne bi bilo slabo kupiti še kakšnega dodatka magnezija), ampak se vseeno odločim in nadaljujem. Prijetno sonce in rahel vetrič (ali kako že pravijo Orleki) in 16 kilometrov je dejansko minilo še predno se tega dobro zavem. Mischa še spi, ampak kmalu bo čas za budnico- pred nama je še zanimiv dan ...
četrtek, 25. maj 2017
Zima (ali kakorkoli že to je)
Večina Avstralije ne povezuje ravno z zimskimi okoliščinami, in čeprav v Melbournu verjetno nikoli ne bomo dobili dveh metrov snega, zima definitivno počasi prihaja. Dnevi so se že primerno skrajšali in dnevno svetlobo tako premoremo le med 7.30 in 17.30 (oziroma nekaj takega, ne vem kdaj mi je nazadnje res uspelo iti domov, ko je bilo zunaj še sveto). Dnevi postajajo tudi bolj mrzli in vetrovni. Še huje pa je, da je najino stanovanje verjetno bolj mrzlo od zunanje okolice, ker je pač izolacija skoraj neobstoječa. Tudi zaradi tega je bilo zadnjič prav smešno gledati razpravo o mejah hrupa, ki je potekala v določenih krogih doma. Tu sem se že navadila, da najina spalnica gleda na parkirišče sosednje stavbe in da je hrup avtomobilov pač moja večerna uspavanka.
Najino življenje se je po začetni kolobiciji postavilo v ustaljene tire. Tako tedne preživiva na relaciji služba-stanovanje, čez vikende pa nadoknadiva čez teden zamujeni spanec in poskusiva preživeti vsaj nekaj časa zunaj. Če ne drugega, se vsaj odpraviva na sladoled in na sprehod ob obali, saj bi bilo kar malo žalostno če ne bi izkoristila lokacije. Najino stanovanje je namreč od promenade ob obali oddaljeno le dober kilometer. Tek ob plaži je tudi moja priljubljena rekreacija, čeprav moram priznati, da je tek proti vetru, ki piha v prsa s hitrostjo 25 km/h, precej težaven. Prvih nekaj tednov me je že nekaj kilometrov popolnoma uničilo, sedaj se pa pač ne vdam: grizem, dokler se veter ne vda prvi. In tako počasi ponovno nabiram tekaške kilometre, k čemur pripomore tudi to, da imamo nasproti mojega laboratorija lep park kamor se da pobegniti medtem, ko eksperimenti "tečejo".
Služba je še vedno fajn. Skupina, ki se ukvarja s strukturno biologijo je majhna in dejansko so se sposobni med seboj pogovarjati in prilagajati. Tako ne prihaja do tega, da se mora vsak soočiti z istim problem kot se je dogajalo v mojem prejšnjem labpratoriju. Ker je laboratorij del fakultete za farmacijo, se večina ljudi ukvarja s farmacevtskimi tematikami, tako da smo mi nekakšni "outsiderji". Ker tudi šef ni strukturni biolog, nam pusti, da delamo samostojno, čeprav nikoli ne izpusti priložnosti, da bi vprašal kdaj bomo rešili strukturo novega receptorja. Glede na to, da je projekt praktično ležal v predalu zadnjih nekaj let (no, verjetno nekje v zamrzovalniku na -20), smo do sedaj že uspeli dobiti kristale v nekaj različnih pogojih in difrakcijo do 8A. Pot je še dolga, ampak začetek je. V Švici smo bili razvajeni, saj smo imeli sinhrotron direktno pred nosom in smo lahko praktično kadarkoli preverili kvaliteto naših kristalov. Avstralski sinhrotron je za nas trenutno še precej neuporaben, saj imajo ljudje, ki so dejansko tam zaposleni zelo malo časa za razvoj. Zato se še vedno, več ali manj, ukvarjajo le s konvencionalno kristalografijo. Na srečo lahko mi naše vzorce pošljemo v Ameriko, kjer lahko potem naše eksperimente izvedemo kar iz luksuza naše pisarne. V kolikor je internet v redu (malo več o tem v odstavku spodaj). Ker tako dejansko vskočimo vedno, ko dejanski uporabnik na Stanfordu ne rabi vsega časa, ki je bil predviden zanj, se nam je v zadnjem tednu zgdodilo, da smo dvakrat dobili čas za analizo, kar je pomenilo, da smo bili v službi 12-16 ur. Mislim, da smo potem porabili kar nekaj časa, da smo dodobra prišli k sebi. Nadur seveda ne poznamo, kakšnega višjega plačila tudi ne, je prednost našega dela, da nas dejansko nihče ne kontrolira in si lahko občasno vzamemo tudi kakšen dan malo bolj "na izi".
Čeprav naj bi na internet doma čakala nekaj tednov, se je vse skupaj odvilo hitreje od pričakovanj. Plačala sva sicer 250 dolarjev za to, da je nekdo prišel do naju in "priklopil" telefonsko linijo (to mu je vzelo natanko 5 minut), ampak tak je tu sistem in midva ne moreva nič. Dostop do interneta sva tako dobila presenetljivo hitro, kar pa ne pomeni, da dejansko lahko res uporabljava internet. Hitrost je namreč tako mizerna, da lahko internet uporablja le eden od naju, tako da se morava o tem dogovoriti (no ja, vsaj poskrbi za to, da redno komunicirava :P). Malo me spominja na tiste čase pred 20 leti, ko so nas starši odlogirali z interneta, ker so potrebovali telefon. Tu namreč vsa infrastruktura pripada eni samo telefonski družbi, ki ima seveda absoluten monopol. V zadnjih letih so se pojavile manjše družbe, ki ponujajo internet, ampak morajo najemati priključke od te velike družbe. Uporabniki nato igramo namizni tenis med vsemi temi družbami, si podajamo žogico in izgubljamo živce. Tako sva se odločila, da prekineva pogodbo z eno od teh manjših družb in se pridruživa glavni telefonski družbi. Tako bova seveda plačevala mnogo več, ampak imava vsaj pogodbo s katero so obvezani, da ima najina internetna povezava vsaj neko določeno minimalno hitrost (mogoče bova pa že kmalu lahko oba naenkrat uporabljala internet).
V zadnjih tednih so prispele tudi najine stvari, ki sva jih poslala iz Švice. Tako ima Mischa končno dovolj spodnjega perila in meni ni treba vsakih nekaj dni skrbeti ali je v predalniku še dovolj njegovih svežih nogavic. Ker po pogodbni ne smeva v nobeno steno zabiti niti enega žeblja, sva se opremila z nalepkami, ki nama omogočajo, da na stene obesiva vse tiste slike, ki so tudi prispele (2 ogromni škatli!). Tako stanovanje dejansko postaja malo bolj domače in stene manj bele. Je pa s paketom tudi prišla streznitev, da sva se res preselila in da sva se res odločila, da se odseliva na drugo stran sveta. Zame je bilo kar malo boleče, ko sem razmišljala koliko zamujeni stvari je pred nama: rojstni dnevi, poroke, nove družinske pridobitve, odraščanja otrok najinih prijateljev ... Koliko prijateljstev se bo izgubilo nekje vmes med telefonskimi pogovori in vrsticami emailov? Za koliko od teh bo odgovorna moja neodzivnost in trma? Po drugi strani: koliko novih doživetij je pred nama? Koliko preizkušenj, ki naju lahko še bolj povežejo? Koliko skupnih razočaranj in koliko nepozabnih potovanj?
Priznam, iskanje novih "prijateljstev" je tisti del, ki me dela najbolj nervozno. Mischa pravi, da zato, ker od ljudi preveč pričakujem. Priznam, da ima prav. Verjetno vse skupaj izhaja že iz naše vzgoje: v angleščini je praktično vsak človek, ki je okoli tebe, tvoj "friend". V slovenščini pa striktno ločujemo med prijateljem, znancem, kolegom itd. Pravih prijateljev je malo in te so tisti na katere se lahko absolutno zaneseš. Vsaka selitev s seboj prinese tudi to, da moraš na novo vzpostaviti krog ljudi, ki jih imaš okoli sebe. Težko bi rekla, da sem v Švici uspela najti res prave prijatelje, čeprav Mischa trdi, da je to le posledica moje trme in neprilagodljivosti v določenih situacijah. Mischa, na drugi strani, nima problemov z navezovanjem novih prijateljstev, tako se pogosto zgodi, da me pusti doma, ko se on odpravi s prijatelji na pivo. Ali v kino ... :)
Ne glede na vse, trenutno nama res ni nič hudega. In čeprav včasih pride črv dvoma ali pa trenutek otožnosti, ta hitro mine. Sploh kadar se v mojem inboxu znajde kakšen prijeten mail. ;)
Najino življenje se je po začetni kolobiciji postavilo v ustaljene tire. Tako tedne preživiva na relaciji služba-stanovanje, čez vikende pa nadoknadiva čez teden zamujeni spanec in poskusiva preživeti vsaj nekaj časa zunaj. Če ne drugega, se vsaj odpraviva na sladoled in na sprehod ob obali, saj bi bilo kar malo žalostno če ne bi izkoristila lokacije. Najino stanovanje je namreč od promenade ob obali oddaljeno le dober kilometer. Tek ob plaži je tudi moja priljubljena rekreacija, čeprav moram priznati, da je tek proti vetru, ki piha v prsa s hitrostjo 25 km/h, precej težaven. Prvih nekaj tednov me je že nekaj kilometrov popolnoma uničilo, sedaj se pa pač ne vdam: grizem, dokler se veter ne vda prvi. In tako počasi ponovno nabiram tekaške kilometre, k čemur pripomore tudi to, da imamo nasproti mojega laboratorija lep park kamor se da pobegniti medtem, ko eksperimenti "tečejo".
Služba je še vedno fajn. Skupina, ki se ukvarja s strukturno biologijo je majhna in dejansko so se sposobni med seboj pogovarjati in prilagajati. Tako ne prihaja do tega, da se mora vsak soočiti z istim problem kot se je dogajalo v mojem prejšnjem labpratoriju. Ker je laboratorij del fakultete za farmacijo, se večina ljudi ukvarja s farmacevtskimi tematikami, tako da smo mi nekakšni "outsiderji". Ker tudi šef ni strukturni biolog, nam pusti, da delamo samostojno, čeprav nikoli ne izpusti priložnosti, da bi vprašal kdaj bomo rešili strukturo novega receptorja. Glede na to, da je projekt praktično ležal v predalu zadnjih nekaj let (no, verjetno nekje v zamrzovalniku na -20), smo do sedaj že uspeli dobiti kristale v nekaj različnih pogojih in difrakcijo do 8A. Pot je še dolga, ampak začetek je. V Švici smo bili razvajeni, saj smo imeli sinhrotron direktno pred nosom in smo lahko praktično kadarkoli preverili kvaliteto naših kristalov. Avstralski sinhrotron je za nas trenutno še precej neuporaben, saj imajo ljudje, ki so dejansko tam zaposleni zelo malo časa za razvoj. Zato se še vedno, več ali manj, ukvarjajo le s konvencionalno kristalografijo. Na srečo lahko mi naše vzorce pošljemo v Ameriko, kjer lahko potem naše eksperimente izvedemo kar iz luksuza naše pisarne. V kolikor je internet v redu (malo več o tem v odstavku spodaj). Ker tako dejansko vskočimo vedno, ko dejanski uporabnik na Stanfordu ne rabi vsega časa, ki je bil predviden zanj, se nam je v zadnjem tednu zgdodilo, da smo dvakrat dobili čas za analizo, kar je pomenilo, da smo bili v službi 12-16 ur. Mislim, da smo potem porabili kar nekaj časa, da smo dodobra prišli k sebi. Nadur seveda ne poznamo, kakšnega višjega plačila tudi ne, je prednost našega dela, da nas dejansko nihče ne kontrolira in si lahko občasno vzamemo tudi kakšen dan malo bolj "na izi".
Čeprav naj bi na internet doma čakala nekaj tednov, se je vse skupaj odvilo hitreje od pričakovanj. Plačala sva sicer 250 dolarjev za to, da je nekdo prišel do naju in "priklopil" telefonsko linijo (to mu je vzelo natanko 5 minut), ampak tak je tu sistem in midva ne moreva nič. Dostop do interneta sva tako dobila presenetljivo hitro, kar pa ne pomeni, da dejansko lahko res uporabljava internet. Hitrost je namreč tako mizerna, da lahko internet uporablja le eden od naju, tako da se morava o tem dogovoriti (no ja, vsaj poskrbi za to, da redno komunicirava :P). Malo me spominja na tiste čase pred 20 leti, ko so nas starši odlogirali z interneta, ker so potrebovali telefon. Tu namreč vsa infrastruktura pripada eni samo telefonski družbi, ki ima seveda absoluten monopol. V zadnjih letih so se pojavile manjše družbe, ki ponujajo internet, ampak morajo najemati priključke od te velike družbe. Uporabniki nato igramo namizni tenis med vsemi temi družbami, si podajamo žogico in izgubljamo živce. Tako sva se odločila, da prekineva pogodbo z eno od teh manjših družb in se pridruživa glavni telefonski družbi. Tako bova seveda plačevala mnogo več, ampak imava vsaj pogodbo s katero so obvezani, da ima najina internetna povezava vsaj neko določeno minimalno hitrost (mogoče bova pa že kmalu lahko oba naenkrat uporabljala internet).
V zadnjih tednih so prispele tudi najine stvari, ki sva jih poslala iz Švice. Tako ima Mischa končno dovolj spodnjega perila in meni ni treba vsakih nekaj dni skrbeti ali je v predalniku še dovolj njegovih svežih nogavic. Ker po pogodbni ne smeva v nobeno steno zabiti niti enega žeblja, sva se opremila z nalepkami, ki nama omogočajo, da na stene obesiva vse tiste slike, ki so tudi prispele (2 ogromni škatli!). Tako stanovanje dejansko postaja malo bolj domače in stene manj bele. Je pa s paketom tudi prišla streznitev, da sva se res preselila in da sva se res odločila, da se odseliva na drugo stran sveta. Zame je bilo kar malo boleče, ko sem razmišljala koliko zamujeni stvari je pred nama: rojstni dnevi, poroke, nove družinske pridobitve, odraščanja otrok najinih prijateljev ... Koliko prijateljstev se bo izgubilo nekje vmes med telefonskimi pogovori in vrsticami emailov? Za koliko od teh bo odgovorna moja neodzivnost in trma? Po drugi strani: koliko novih doživetij je pred nama? Koliko preizkušenj, ki naju lahko še bolj povežejo? Koliko skupnih razočaranj in koliko nepozabnih potovanj?
Priznam, iskanje novih "prijateljstev" je tisti del, ki me dela najbolj nervozno. Mischa pravi, da zato, ker od ljudi preveč pričakujem. Priznam, da ima prav. Verjetno vse skupaj izhaja že iz naše vzgoje: v angleščini je praktično vsak človek, ki je okoli tebe, tvoj "friend". V slovenščini pa striktno ločujemo med prijateljem, znancem, kolegom itd. Pravih prijateljev je malo in te so tisti na katere se lahko absolutno zaneseš. Vsaka selitev s seboj prinese tudi to, da moraš na novo vzpostaviti krog ljudi, ki jih imaš okoli sebe. Težko bi rekla, da sem v Švici uspela najti res prave prijatelje, čeprav Mischa trdi, da je to le posledica moje trme in neprilagodljivosti v določenih situacijah. Mischa, na drugi strani, nima problemov z navezovanjem novih prijateljstev, tako se pogosto zgodi, da me pusti doma, ko se on odpravi s prijatelji na pivo. Ali v kino ... :)
Ne glede na vse, trenutno nama res ni nič hudega. In čeprav včasih pride črv dvoma ali pa trenutek otožnosti, ta hitro mine. Sploh kadar se v mojem inboxu znajde kakšen prijeten mail. ;)
sobota, 1. april 2017
Pa sva šla ...
So rekli, da je čas, da spet kaj napišem. Po dolgem razmišljanju sem prišla do spoznanja, da imajo verjetno prav. Poleg tega, da lahko na tak način relativno hitro delim kaj se dogaja, mi to tudi omogoča, da ostajam v stiku s slovenščino. Po pravici povedano, se velikokrat zavem, da mi manjka stik z jezikom in da mi velikokrat zmanjka besed, ko želim kaj povedati. Zato se, prosim, ne ozirajte na manjkajoče vejice, čeprav se bom trudila, da bo slovničnih napak čim manj.
Po štirih letih življenja v Zurichu sva se torej odločila, da se preseliva. In če se že greva to igro, bova to naredila popolno in se preselila praktično na drugi konec sveta, v Melbourne. Čeprav sem se tega podviga na začetku neizmerno veselila, me je na koncu malo stiskalo. Konec koncev nama v Zurichu ni bilo slabo, imela sva svoj krog prijateljev in urejeno stanovanje, starši so bili relativno blizu, socialna varnost je bila dobra, na koncu pa sva po spletu naključij tudi imela ponudbe za nadaljevanje najine kariere. Kakorkoli, s postdoc ponudbama v najinih žepih, sva po dveh mesecih čakanja končno pričakala tisto vizo. Stvari seveda niso šle brez vseh problemov, ampak Mischa bi rekel, da to niso bile ovire, ki jih ne bi mogla preskočiti. Tako sem konec februarja naprej odletela jaz, Mischa pa se mi je pridružil teden kasneje, po tem, ko je iz Švice uspešno odpravil majnšo pošiljko najinih osebnih stvari.
Nisva pričakovala, da bodo stvari enake kot so bile, ko sva Avstralijo zapustila zadnjič in prav to sva želela preveriti: je Avstralija še vedno tista dežela, ki naju je pred leti tako prevzela. Stvari so, khm, rahlo dražje. In to govorim iz švicarske prespektive, kjer so stvari res drage. Kar naju je najbolj presenetilo, je bilo kako drage so stvari, ki so bile že uporabljene: pohištvo, avtomobili, elektronske naprave itd. Poleg tega sva morala kar hitro sprejeti kakšna so tu stanovanja. Z eno besedo: majhna. Cenejša kot v Zurichu, ampak res majhna. Ker s pritoževanjem ne bova ničesar spremenila, sva se odločila, da so to stvari, ki jih moraš sprejeti, ko se preseliš. Še posebno, ker sta najini službi na dveh različnih koncih mesta in sva želela najti kotiček nekje vmes. Na koncu sva imela srečo, da sva dobila relativno veliko stanovanje, kilometer in pol oddaljeno od plaže in 45-60 minut do služb. Kar niti ni tako hudo. Finančni vidik opremljanja stanovanja nama je seveda dal glavobol (še posebaj ker imajo tu ljudje tudi svoj osebni hladilnik in pralni stroj), ampak na koncu sva se prebila skozi to in sedaj imava vsaj delno opremljeno stanovanje v katerega zvečer z veseljem prihajava. Interneta še vedno nimava (v Avstraliji za to potrebuješ 4-6 tednov), prav tako ne televizije, lahko pa zato več časa kvalitetno preživiva drug z drugim.
Ker sva oba prispela v Avstralijo le dva dneva pred pričetkom službe, je le-ta do sedaj prevzela velik del najinih življenj. Tudi tu so ljudje le ljudje in privih 14 dni sem tako kosilo jedla sama. Ni se zdelo, da bi kogarkoli res zanimalo ali kaj potrebujem in ali bi mi prav prišlo nekaj družbe. V zadnjih letih sem se navadila, da je včasih ok biti tudi sam in me to ni preveč prizadelo. Po teh dveh tednih, pa sem končno lahko odšla v lab in od takrat je v službi res fajn. Na mojem projektu sva le dva postdoca in klima tu je popolnoma drugačna kot je bila v mojem prejšnjem laboratoriju. Na začetku sva praktično vse stvari delala skupaj in občutek, da imam nekoga, ki ga lahko vprašam za pomoč dokler se ne počutim dovolj samozavestno, je bil absolutno nenadomestljiv. Poleg tega je več sodelovanja, ker se tu ljudje zavedajo, da se da tako doseči mnogo več kot če vsak dela na svojem omejenem projektu in nikoli ne govori z drugimi. Če primerjam laboratorij s tistim v Švici, smo imeli v Švici sigurno več opreme in več možnosti, da pridemo do uporabe najnovejše tehnologije, tu, na primer, s tem kar imajo, dejansko rešujejo strukture. ;) Mogoče bi se morali malo zamisliti kaj je v življenju res pomembno. Dnevi tako kar prehitro minevajo, čez vikende pa je seveda še vedno 1000 stvari, ki jih je potrebno postoriti.
Avstralija je še vedno neverjetna in čeprav je najina situacija sedaj drugačna, verjamem, da bova znala izkušnjo izkoristiti do konca. Sončni zahodi še vedno vzamejo sapo in nikoli se jim ne morem dovolj naužiti. Še vedno pa je ena najboljših stvari tisti vonj, ki te prevzame, ko stopiš iz hiše, ko okoli tebe zapiha veter in s seboj prinese vonj evkaliptusa.
Po štirih letih življenja v Zurichu sva se torej odločila, da se preseliva. In če se že greva to igro, bova to naredila popolno in se preselila praktično na drugi konec sveta, v Melbourne. Čeprav sem se tega podviga na začetku neizmerno veselila, me je na koncu malo stiskalo. Konec koncev nama v Zurichu ni bilo slabo, imela sva svoj krog prijateljev in urejeno stanovanje, starši so bili relativno blizu, socialna varnost je bila dobra, na koncu pa sva po spletu naključij tudi imela ponudbe za nadaljevanje najine kariere. Kakorkoli, s postdoc ponudbama v najinih žepih, sva po dveh mesecih čakanja končno pričakala tisto vizo. Stvari seveda niso šle brez vseh problemov, ampak Mischa bi rekel, da to niso bile ovire, ki jih ne bi mogla preskočiti. Tako sem konec februarja naprej odletela jaz, Mischa pa se mi je pridružil teden kasneje, po tem, ko je iz Švice uspešno odpravil majnšo pošiljko najinih osebnih stvari.
Nisva pričakovala, da bodo stvari enake kot so bile, ko sva Avstralijo zapustila zadnjič in prav to sva želela preveriti: je Avstralija še vedno tista dežela, ki naju je pred leti tako prevzela. Stvari so, khm, rahlo dražje. In to govorim iz švicarske prespektive, kjer so stvari res drage. Kar naju je najbolj presenetilo, je bilo kako drage so stvari, ki so bile že uporabljene: pohištvo, avtomobili, elektronske naprave itd. Poleg tega sva morala kar hitro sprejeti kakšna so tu stanovanja. Z eno besedo: majhna. Cenejša kot v Zurichu, ampak res majhna. Ker s pritoževanjem ne bova ničesar spremenila, sva se odločila, da so to stvari, ki jih moraš sprejeti, ko se preseliš. Še posebno, ker sta najini službi na dveh različnih koncih mesta in sva želela najti kotiček nekje vmes. Na koncu sva imela srečo, da sva dobila relativno veliko stanovanje, kilometer in pol oddaljeno od plaže in 45-60 minut do služb. Kar niti ni tako hudo. Finančni vidik opremljanja stanovanja nama je seveda dal glavobol (še posebaj ker imajo tu ljudje tudi svoj osebni hladilnik in pralni stroj), ampak na koncu sva se prebila skozi to in sedaj imava vsaj delno opremljeno stanovanje v katerega zvečer z veseljem prihajava. Interneta še vedno nimava (v Avstraliji za to potrebuješ 4-6 tednov), prav tako ne televizije, lahko pa zato več časa kvalitetno preživiva drug z drugim.
Ker sva oba prispela v Avstralijo le dva dneva pred pričetkom službe, je le-ta do sedaj prevzela velik del najinih življenj. Tudi tu so ljudje le ljudje in privih 14 dni sem tako kosilo jedla sama. Ni se zdelo, da bi kogarkoli res zanimalo ali kaj potrebujem in ali bi mi prav prišlo nekaj družbe. V zadnjih letih sem se navadila, da je včasih ok biti tudi sam in me to ni preveč prizadelo. Po teh dveh tednih, pa sem končno lahko odšla v lab in od takrat je v službi res fajn. Na mojem projektu sva le dva postdoca in klima tu je popolnoma drugačna kot je bila v mojem prejšnjem laboratoriju. Na začetku sva praktično vse stvari delala skupaj in občutek, da imam nekoga, ki ga lahko vprašam za pomoč dokler se ne počutim dovolj samozavestno, je bil absolutno nenadomestljiv. Poleg tega je več sodelovanja, ker se tu ljudje zavedajo, da se da tako doseči mnogo več kot če vsak dela na svojem omejenem projektu in nikoli ne govori z drugimi. Če primerjam laboratorij s tistim v Švici, smo imeli v Švici sigurno več opreme in več možnosti, da pridemo do uporabe najnovejše tehnologije, tu, na primer, s tem kar imajo, dejansko rešujejo strukture. ;) Mogoče bi se morali malo zamisliti kaj je v življenju res pomembno. Dnevi tako kar prehitro minevajo, čez vikende pa je seveda še vedno 1000 stvari, ki jih je potrebno postoriti.
Avstralija je še vedno neverjetna in čeprav je najina situacija sedaj drugačna, verjamem, da bova znala izkušnjo izkoristiti do konca. Sončni zahodi še vedno vzamejo sapo in nikoli se jim ne morem dovolj naužiti. Še vedno pa je ena najboljših stvari tisti vonj, ki te prevzame, ko stopiš iz hiše, ko okoli tebe zapiha veter in s seboj prinese vonj evkaliptusa.
nedelja, 19. junij 2016
Friends(hips)
I have a feeling all my blogs start pretty much similar recently. When we went for lunch last week, one of my Slovenian friends said: "What's up? It seems you are just complaining." It made me think and I guess he is right. I do complain a lot, I also complain much more over the social media than I do in real life. At least, this is what I would like to think. I also hope complaining will help, at least make me feel better if not making the whole situation better.
I miss my friends lately. Like a lot. How difficult is it to keep a long distance friendship? Sometimes it is problematic even when both friends are living in the same country, not talking about the friendships that are separated into two different countries or continents. How many friendships survive just because one of the people invests a lot of time? And when I have such a feeling with some of my friends, Mischa reminds me then how many emails remained unanswered on my side. How many messages were stuck because I wanted to answer them properly, how many skype meeting cancelled because I did not feel like it at the moment, how many trips not done, just because I never took time? I guess friendship is always driven by both parties, probably sometimes even more gentle than a relationship and just needs a lot of love to survive.
I know I feel like this partly because I realised recently how happy I am to have all these amazing friends, but also because my life is not easy at the moment. The end of my PhD is coming closer and, even if I don't like to admit, it does stress me a lot. It does make me feel like I am a complete failure on times and I am not good with dealing with this. Then you start thinking what else have you done in these last years and there is not much to tell. I think language made a huge impact and, besides some people at work, I have not really made much new friends (not speaking that I have really not done much more than just work). This doesn't make me more confident either.
I guess we don't always need to write long emails or have hours of conversations on skype. Sometimes it is enough to send a simple message and say: "I think about you." It makes life nicer and better.
I miss my friends lately. Like a lot. How difficult is it to keep a long distance friendship? Sometimes it is problematic even when both friends are living in the same country, not talking about the friendships that are separated into two different countries or continents. How many friendships survive just because one of the people invests a lot of time? And when I have such a feeling with some of my friends, Mischa reminds me then how many emails remained unanswered on my side. How many messages were stuck because I wanted to answer them properly, how many skype meeting cancelled because I did not feel like it at the moment, how many trips not done, just because I never took time? I guess friendship is always driven by both parties, probably sometimes even more gentle than a relationship and just needs a lot of love to survive.
I know I feel like this partly because I realised recently how happy I am to have all these amazing friends, but also because my life is not easy at the moment. The end of my PhD is coming closer and, even if I don't like to admit, it does stress me a lot. It does make me feel like I am a complete failure on times and I am not good with dealing with this. Then you start thinking what else have you done in these last years and there is not much to tell. I think language made a huge impact and, besides some people at work, I have not really made much new friends (not speaking that I have really not done much more than just work). This doesn't make me more confident either.
I guess we don't always need to write long emails or have hours of conversations on skype. Sometimes it is enough to send a simple message and say: "I think about you." It makes life nicer and better.
sreda, 1. junij 2016
Things and thoughs
It's almost two weeks since our wedding and I am still overwhelmed with everything. I was told that after having such an awesome time and following an event like that, it is normal to feel a bit empty, a bit lonely, a bit ... Of everything, I guess. I have checked the photos a million times and talked to everyone that was at least slightly prepared to talk to me, but it still seems that everything is running out of my hands, that memories will soon be just memories and we will return back to our boring lives, meeting only when we will not find any other excuse that will keep us away from each other.
But then ... How grateful I am to have that day, to realize how loved we are and to see people that traveled the whole world just to be with us on that one day. No matter how cheesy it sounds, it was the most amazing, magical and perfect day. They say that your friends tell a lot about you and when we were observing the two completely different groups, coming from several different countries, becoming friends as soon as they met and enjoying in each others company, we realized that we will be just fine. And even though that exchanging the rings and we promising that we will stay together in whatever the life throws with us was the purpose of the day, having an awesome time with everyone we love was just as important.
They said to me before that Saturday: just enjoy every second of the day, it is going to pass by too fast anyways. And now, that everything is over, I am realizing how right they were. When we were leaving back to Switzerland, Mischa looked at me saying: "When you are having a face like this, I know you had a good time." And he was right, it was difficult to leave, it is still difficult and I want to trick my mind with the "excuse" that we will manage to repeat something like that again: a party, a fun night with all our closest friends and family. But I guess, until then, all that is left is: thank you all for coming, it meant a world to us. And special thanks to our best friends, Ana and Jerome, to stand by our sides on this special day. You two did such an amazing job and we cannot imagine to share this with anyone else than you.
But then ... How grateful I am to have that day, to realize how loved we are and to see people that traveled the whole world just to be with us on that one day. No matter how cheesy it sounds, it was the most amazing, magical and perfect day. They say that your friends tell a lot about you and when we were observing the two completely different groups, coming from several different countries, becoming friends as soon as they met and enjoying in each others company, we realized that we will be just fine. And even though that exchanging the rings and we promising that we will stay together in whatever the life throws with us was the purpose of the day, having an awesome time with everyone we love was just as important.
They said to me before that Saturday: just enjoy every second of the day, it is going to pass by too fast anyways. And now, that everything is over, I am realizing how right they were. When we were leaving back to Switzerland, Mischa looked at me saying: "When you are having a face like this, I know you had a good time." And he was right, it was difficult to leave, it is still difficult and I want to trick my mind with the "excuse" that we will manage to repeat something like that again: a party, a fun night with all our closest friends and family. But I guess, until then, all that is left is: thank you all for coming, it meant a world to us. And special thanks to our best friends, Ana and Jerome, to stand by our sides on this special day. You two did such an amazing job and we cannot imagine to share this with anyone else than you.
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