Like a stone in a shoe

The last few months were difficult. I have constantly cycled between a bunch of emotions: from being really sad to being scared and puzzled and occasionally also quite happy. I guess I became homesick which made me confused. Why now? At the same time I started to feel very lost at work. I don't recall a single day in the past few months when I came to work and did not cry until everyone else came to work as well. When I hoped someone would come and talk to me. On the other hand, I was not able to express what really bothered me when people asked. No one really understood why I am so unhappy when things at work are actually going on so well. Neither did I. I finally had a well behaved project. I was learning all these things I wanted to learn during my PhD. I finally had people around myself that knew what they are doing and to whom I was able to come for an advice basically at any time of the day. I think I finally proved to myself I can do things, that I can actually can get results. That I was only a bit unlucky with my previous project. I was probably the only person I actually had to prove this to as people around me always believed in me. However, with this my life goals started to change as well. If I would not be able to get some good data, I would probably be fine with finding a 9-5 job, but now I might actually have a chance to stay in science and do some cool research. However, I basically lost 4 years of my life where none of the hard work resulted in papers and this is a big drawback. Because papers are the only thing that counts. I guess I started to feel so lost with all these as I this was another part of my life where I started to feel very lonely. Just as you need to be lucky with choosing your projects, you need to be lucky to have people around you that do care about your career and are able to stir you in the right direction when needed.

I have made my last months more difficult than needed. While people around me tried to help, I pushed everyone away. I was overthinking every single action done by others and I was able to see only the times when I was excluded from things, but have never been able to see how often others tried to include me into things. At the end you do not always need to be included into everything as you also do not always include everyone. You do not always need to be the first choice, because at the end you still were a choice (you could not be a choice at all). You do not always need to be the most important, because you are important enough to be a part of a group. It is ok to feel lonely sometimes. It is ok to feel lost.

I have this habit of keeping emails for a long time. I have some emails that were sent back in 2005. And when I do not feel well, these emails come in handy. Our selective memory always works in a way that we forget the bad parts. Years later only good memories remain. Emails can remind you that you did go through similar experiences in your life and that things passed. It was difficult when I started my internship. Both of them. It was difficult when I started with my PhD. And it is normal that it is difficult now sometimes. These difficult times will pass (and they probably already started to do so slowly). I know that when I am in a very bad mood, it is very difficult to see how many good things I have in my life. I have a good job. I am (relatively) healthy and everyone I love and care about is healthy too. I have an awesome family and an amazing husband. I have the best bunch of friends. They might be a bit far away sometimes, but always just a phone call or an email away. I even have some pretty good friends here. I know that my best friend is only one in the world and that no one will be able to be exactly like her. But I am having people I can talk to, I probably just need to show a bit more initiative than I am used (or comfortable) to. Life pushes stones on our paths sometimes and it is not always easy to push them away. But it is never ok to made lives of other people more miserable because you are not in a good mood. And this is exactly what I was doing in the last months I am afraid.