Forever

I am not sure if it is the weather, the time, the fact that my PhD is almost towards the finishing and I still do not have much data or just something in the air. But I have this feeling lately of being trapped. That I am stuck somewhere and I cannot move and this is how it is going to be until the rest of my life.

I firstly thought that I am bad with commitments. That I am fine to do something until it feels too final. Like a wedding for example. Or a baby. I guess nowadays we are raised like this, with big hopes that we can become whatever we want and go wherever we want. On the other hand, we never really need to take decisions and it is something we need to learn. Probably a bit similar to another fact I was once told that young people nowadays do not know how to be bored properly. Just because we have always been occupied, because our parents always took care there was a lot going on in our lives. I am definitely one of those people, after a day of lying on the beach, I get totally bored. And when it comes to the decisions that should be forever, I start freaking out. I would be the same if someone would have told me that this country is going to be the country where I would live forever. Just because I would hate the idea that I have no option. But then, what is really forever in life?

Later, I found out it might have been work. All the hours in the lab, often early mornings and late evenings. Alone. All these protein purifications, lost samples, cells not growing, missing chemicals, fake crystals and the lack of it. All the hours when you wish you would have been somewhere else and all the times when you are happy to be at work because you are looking forward to the result. And when there is, yet again, no result, you become depressed. And I mean, really depressed. It just affects you and is above you like a big dark cloud and you probably do not even get it. When I got a small ray of hope last week, my life started to look much better in a second. Suddenly all the feelings that were overwhelming me in the last weeks were gone and the sun came back. However, since the progress is super super slow, I am again at the position zero.

I always thought I need to be tough, there is no place for tears in this world. I have seen people crying at work and I could understand them, but I thought that is not the right place to show your emotions. But now I am realizing that sometimes you need people around you who can really understand how you feel. People who went through similar situation as you did and can share exactly the same experience with you. People who might not hug you and say that everything will be all right, but will just sit down with you with a coffee and share the same horror stories and tell you that this will finish. Soon.

Do people come into our lives on purpose

I have been told, I have not written anything for a long time. I guess my active blogging times are over, but here it is. A sneak peak into my thoughts.

I am in general not very good with people. I am even worse when it comes to a bunch of people. I can be mean and rude to people I do not know and sometimes I do not know how to use my sarcasm in an appropriate way. My best friends came to my heart slowly, but now they are occupying a big part and I always have time for them.
However, it happens from time to time that I meet people I connect in a moment. Usually this are people I meet at intensive workshop/conferences that are over in a few days and with the ending of the workshop, also our "friendship" is over. I usually have problems just letting people go and usually I suffer through the weeks following. I have no explanation why would I care about a person I just met. Especially taking into the account all the wonderful people I have in my life already. But sometimes, there is no explanation and I guess we don't necessarily need it. Still, I am wondering if the life has a plan. Is there a plan we meet again? Or have these people done their job so efficiently that it was a time for them to leave already? No matter what the plan is and no matter how difficult it is sometimes, I guess we need to be grateful for people we have and probably believe that there is a plan why things are going their way sometimes.