You want an honest answer? I had a pretty lousy day. I have a feeling I did nothing all day. I felt like an outsider at work, like I do not belong anywhere. I felt worthless and useless, like my knowledge does not matter. Any question or opinion that I had felt like it was crushed at the floor.
At the end of the day, I wished I had a friend I could go for coffee with. So she would be able to tell me that everything will be ok. That these feelings are just temporary. Because this is what we all need: someone who can tell us that things will be better, but also to show us how good things actually are. Because, all in all, this week was not that bad. And after all this time it felt scary to feel good. And no matter how many good days you have, bad days still come. And they still suck! And they suck even more when the number of people that you can go to is limited.
četrtek, 14. junij 2018
petek, 1. junij 2018
The meaning of life
There is this vlogger I like. I was sceptical when I saw her first video, but then I continued watching and she is so real. She is not one of those that are always happy and smiling, but also not the one that would be constantly depressed and try to tell you how it is normal not to feel well. Because just saying it is ok not to feel ok does not help anyone. Before I get lost in this, I think the main thing why you like someone is that you can connect with them on a certain level. Because there are things that make you think. And so, she said last time that life is, more often than not, a struggle. Life is not always nice and pretty and sunny as people are trying to portray it and trying to convince us it is our choice if things are not going the way we want. Which made me think: if life is, in general, a struggle, why do we choose to continue living when things get really bad? Is it the positive moments that we experienced? Is it a hope for better future? Is it a taboo that we made of death and even more of a suicide? Is it something deeper in all of us that nature built in us and goes above all our other rational decisions? Because, let's be honest, we are prone to quit when things get too difficult. Human nature is prone to giving up, unless we have a good vision of what we are fighting for.
I know that my blogs are recently very similar. But my mind is changing and I think writing down helps me and maybe helps people around me understanding me a bit better. I am not a very good talker and I need to be pushed to express myself. Writing, on the other hand, is much easier.
Moving away from what you know is always difficult. And it does not matter if this is a neighbouring country or a country on the other side of the world. Because you need to find yourself again. You need to find your position at work. And, maybe even more importantly, you need to find your position in society. You need to find people you can trust and that can act as your support in good and bad times. And you probably need more than just your partner as people in our lives do need to take different roles and there are rare people that can play all those roles at the same time. And while friends at home will always be there for you, you do need people that are physically present as well. We often rely that this will just happen, but, more often than not, it does require an active input to build your own network. If you are anything like me, this can be particularly problematic and frustrating. While you do need people around you and you have a small number of people around that you call friends and can tell them everything, meeting new people can cause a huge amount of anxiety. Going into a group of people can cause so much anxiety and stress that, at the end, you decide it is just better to stay on your own. I was always jealous at two groups of people. One being the super sociable one, people who seem they can just go anywhere and there will be loved by everyone and will always find a group of people to chat and have conversation. In the other group are people who seem they are just good enough on their own and they do not seem to need anyone.
I firstly thought I am just feeling really lonely. That I miss my friends back home and being very annoyed by myself that I did not make any new friends. Or at least this is how it feels in my mind. Then it became really difficult to go to work. At the beginning I thought it is only because I felt so lonely there- I was surrounded by so many people, but I never felt more alone. But then I also started to realize that I lost my passion, that I do not see anything that would still excite me, that work became just that: work- a place where you come for that 8 hours per day to get your money. I guess both connected together spiralled in my head into a bunch of negative thoughts. That I am a bad scientist. That I am not working enough. That I am a bad friend. That I am not worth having friends. That I make everyone around myself miserable. That no one really cares about me. That no one will miss me even if I am gone.
And then, there are all these questions: do I still want to continue doing what I am doing? Am I good enough for this? What happens if I quit? Do I want to stay here or go back in Europe? And yes, I am stuck. My head is spinning and I am trying to get my mind out of this. And while I can do this on certain days, there are days when everything seems too much to handle on my own. On that days I come back to the beginning of this blog: what are the things that push us further when we have a feeling that life grew too big for us? And: can we push ourselves further on our own or do we need people to help us doing this as well?
I know that my blogs are recently very similar. But my mind is changing and I think writing down helps me and maybe helps people around me understanding me a bit better. I am not a very good talker and I need to be pushed to express myself. Writing, on the other hand, is much easier.
Moving away from what you know is always difficult. And it does not matter if this is a neighbouring country or a country on the other side of the world. Because you need to find yourself again. You need to find your position at work. And, maybe even more importantly, you need to find your position in society. You need to find people you can trust and that can act as your support in good and bad times. And you probably need more than just your partner as people in our lives do need to take different roles and there are rare people that can play all those roles at the same time. And while friends at home will always be there for you, you do need people that are physically present as well. We often rely that this will just happen, but, more often than not, it does require an active input to build your own network. If you are anything like me, this can be particularly problematic and frustrating. While you do need people around you and you have a small number of people around that you call friends and can tell them everything, meeting new people can cause a huge amount of anxiety. Going into a group of people can cause so much anxiety and stress that, at the end, you decide it is just better to stay on your own. I was always jealous at two groups of people. One being the super sociable one, people who seem they can just go anywhere and there will be loved by everyone and will always find a group of people to chat and have conversation. In the other group are people who seem they are just good enough on their own and they do not seem to need anyone.
I firstly thought I am just feeling really lonely. That I miss my friends back home and being very annoyed by myself that I did not make any new friends. Or at least this is how it feels in my mind. Then it became really difficult to go to work. At the beginning I thought it is only because I felt so lonely there- I was surrounded by so many people, but I never felt more alone. But then I also started to realize that I lost my passion, that I do not see anything that would still excite me, that work became just that: work- a place where you come for that 8 hours per day to get your money. I guess both connected together spiralled in my head into a bunch of negative thoughts. That I am a bad scientist. That I am not working enough. That I am a bad friend. That I am not worth having friends. That I make everyone around myself miserable. That no one really cares about me. That no one will miss me even if I am gone.
And then, there are all these questions: do I still want to continue doing what I am doing? Am I good enough for this? What happens if I quit? Do I want to stay here or go back in Europe? And yes, I am stuck. My head is spinning and I am trying to get my mind out of this. And while I can do this on certain days, there are days when everything seems too much to handle on my own. On that days I come back to the beginning of this blog: what are the things that push us further when we have a feeling that life grew too big for us? And: can we push ourselves further on our own or do we need people to help us doing this as well?
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