How are you doing?

You want an honest answer? I had a pretty lousy day. I have a feeling I did nothing all day. I felt like an outsider at work, like I do not belong anywhere. I felt worthless and useless, like my knowledge does not matter. Any question or opinion that I had felt like it was crushed at the floor.
At the end of the day, I wished I had a friend I could go for coffee with. So she would be able to tell me that everything will be ok. That these feelings are just temporary. Because this is what we all need: someone who can tell us that things will be better, but also to show us how good things actually are. Because, all in all, this week was not that bad. And after all this time it felt scary to feel good. And no matter how many good days you have, bad days still come. And they still suck! And they suck even more when the number of people that you can go to is limited.

The meaning of life

There is this vlogger I like. I was sceptical when I saw her first video, but then I continued watching and she is so real. She is not one of those that are always happy and smiling, but also not the one that would be constantly depressed and try to tell you how it is normal not to feel well. Because just saying it is ok not to feel ok does not help anyone. Before I get lost in this, I think the main thing why you like someone is that you can connect with them on a certain level. Because there are things that make you think. And so, she said last time that life is, more often than not, a struggle. Life is not always nice and pretty and sunny as people are trying to portray it and trying to convince us it is our choice if things are not going the way we want. Which made me think: if life is, in general, a struggle, why do we choose to continue living when things get really bad? Is it the positive moments that we experienced? Is it a hope for better future? Is it a taboo that we made of death and even more of a suicide? Is it something deeper in all of us that nature built in us and goes above all our other rational decisions? Because, let's be honest, we are prone to quit when things get too difficult. Human nature is prone to giving up, unless we have a good vision of what we are fighting for.

I know that my blogs are recently very similar. But my mind is changing and I think writing down helps me and maybe helps people around me understanding me a bit better. I am not a very good talker and I need to be pushed to express myself. Writing, on the other hand, is much easier.
Moving away from what you know is always difficult. And it does not matter if this is a neighbouring country or a country on the other side of the world. Because you need to find yourself again. You need to find your position at work. And, maybe even more importantly, you need to find your position in society. You need to find people you can trust and that can act as your support in good and bad times. And you probably need more than just your partner as people in our lives do need to take different roles and there are rare people that can play all those roles at the same time. And while friends at home will always be there for you, you do need people that are physically present as well. We often rely that this will just happen, but, more often than not, it does require an active input to build your own network. If you are anything like me, this can be particularly problematic and frustrating. While you do need people around you and you have a small number of people around that you call friends and can tell them everything, meeting new people can cause a huge amount of anxiety. Going into a group of people can cause so much anxiety and stress that, at the end, you decide it is just better to stay on your own. I was always jealous at two groups of people. One being the super sociable one, people who seem they can just go anywhere and there will be loved by everyone and will always find a group of people to chat and have conversation. In the other group are people who seem they are just good enough on their own and they do not seem to need anyone.

I firstly thought I am just feeling really lonely. That I miss my friends back home and being very annoyed by myself that I did not make any new friends. Or at least this is how it feels in my mind. Then it became really difficult to go to work. At the beginning I thought it is only because I felt so lonely there- I was surrounded by so many people, but I never felt more alone. But then I also started to realize that I lost my passion, that I do not see anything that would still excite me, that work became just that: work- a place where you come for that 8 hours per day to get your money. I guess both connected together spiralled in my head into a bunch of negative thoughts. That I am a bad scientist. That I am not working enough. That I am a bad friend. That I am not worth having friends. That I make everyone around myself miserable. That no one really cares about me. That no one will miss me even if I am gone.

And then, there are all these questions: do I still want to continue doing what I am doing? Am I good enough for this? What happens if I quit? Do I want to stay here or go back in Europe? And yes, I am stuck. My head is spinning and I am trying to get my mind out of this. And while I can do this on certain days, there are days when everything seems too much to handle on my own. On that days I come back to the beginning of this blog: what are the things that push us further when we have a feeling that life grew too big for us? And: can we push ourselves further on our own or do we need people to help us doing this as well?

On the other side of the world

I read an interesting article a day ago. It said that people are not supposed to be happy. Because if we would have been, we would be satisfied with what we have and the world would collapse as we would not be looking for better options anymore. I am not sure if I completely agree with this, but it is probably true that we are never completely happy and even when we are, this does not last for too long. We are always looking for improvements and when we are in this state, it is also often difficult to realistically "look" back at how good our lives actually are.

I have been struggling a lot with my life in the past few months. I think it took several months before the reality hit pretty hard. When you move to the other side of the world, you start realising in what kind of a bubble we live in Europe(an Union). Because we can move freely and wherever we go, we are given the same rights that we have in our own country. But when you move somewhere else, things are never that easy: you rely on some sort of a visa that is mostly connected with your job- if you lose a job, you are gone. You are not entitled to the same health insurance system as the locals, if you have kids, you do not get the same amount of support and you need to pay for the school fees. You are not allowed to freely change your work, nor you are allowed to be unemployed ... And no matter how stable your position is, it always stays in your head that everything is just temporary.

It can be quite difficult when the reality hits. We know we left everything back "home" for this and if we do not make it meaningful, it was just a complete waste of time. I think this is something that I am not prepared to accept. I do not want to look back and say that this was a waste of our time. That we left stable lives, our families and friends, an opportunity to maybe start a family, missing so much in the lives of the people we love. But then ... What is the thing that needs to happen in order to not regret this.
Are we learning new things and progressing in our careers? We definitely are, even if we sometimes do not feel like this.
Do we have people around we can call in the middle of the night in case something happens? I think we do.
Are we having people around ourselves that we care enough to do the same? We definitely do!
Do I have a bunch of friends I can go for a coffee and gossip about the people or complain about Mischa and my life in general? Maybe not a bunch, but possibly one or two. Even if this means that sometimes it requires me to make the first step.
Do we generally have a good work/life balance and we can afford everything we need and want? We can.
Is it overall a good experience that will teach us new things and make us stronger people? Hell yeah!

Life can sometimes be so damn hard. It is so easy to be stuck in a rollercoaster of bad feelings. It is so easy to see how others have it better, how others are luckier, how they publish better, how everything they do just works, how they have a bunch of people around themselves when things get bad ... It is quite easy to forget about everything good and feel sad, lonely and depressed. I have felt like that so often in the past few months and things can still so easily trip me over. But then .. This morning I woke up healthy. I am able to walk and I was able to do a running training. I had someone to share my breakfast (and my thoughts) with. I have a roof above my head and I am able to work in a field that is demanding and rewarding. People at home are just a phone call/message away that does not take months before it reaches them. There are probably so many people around the world that would give everything for this. And while I had numerous thoughts recently about how I would do everything to just find an eraser that would allow me to erase myself from this world, I know there are people that would be quite upset if this would actually be possible.

And to conclude this: moving to the other side of the world does make you re-think how important relationships are:
http://www.facebook.com/JayShettyIW/videos/1972836819697440/UzpfSTU5NTM3NDAwMDoxMDE1NTU3NzQ4NzM5NDAwMQ/
Think about everyone that you take for granted, because no one can guarantee that he/she will still be around tomorrow.

Like a stone in a shoe

The last few months were difficult. I have constantly cycled between a bunch of emotions: from being really sad to being scared and puzzled and occasionally also quite happy. I guess I became homesick which made me confused. Why now? At the same time I started to feel very lost at work. I don't recall a single day in the past few months when I came to work and did not cry until everyone else came to work as well. When I hoped someone would come and talk to me. On the other hand, I was not able to express what really bothered me when people asked. No one really understood why I am so unhappy when things at work are actually going on so well. Neither did I. I finally had a well behaved project. I was learning all these things I wanted to learn during my PhD. I finally had people around myself that knew what they are doing and to whom I was able to come for an advice basically at any time of the day. I think I finally proved to myself I can do things, that I can actually can get results. That I was only a bit unlucky with my previous project. I was probably the only person I actually had to prove this to as people around me always believed in me. However, with this my life goals started to change as well. If I would not be able to get some good data, I would probably be fine with finding a 9-5 job, but now I might actually have a chance to stay in science and do some cool research. However, I basically lost 4 years of my life where none of the hard work resulted in papers and this is a big drawback. Because papers are the only thing that counts. I guess I started to feel so lost with all these as I this was another part of my life where I started to feel very lonely. Just as you need to be lucky with choosing your projects, you need to be lucky to have people around you that do care about your career and are able to stir you in the right direction when needed.

I have made my last months more difficult than needed. While people around me tried to help, I pushed everyone away. I was overthinking every single action done by others and I was able to see only the times when I was excluded from things, but have never been able to see how often others tried to include me into things. At the end you do not always need to be included into everything as you also do not always include everyone. You do not always need to be the first choice, because at the end you still were a choice (you could not be a choice at all). You do not always need to be the most important, because you are important enough to be a part of a group. It is ok to feel lonely sometimes. It is ok to feel lost.

I have this habit of keeping emails for a long time. I have some emails that were sent back in 2005. And when I do not feel well, these emails come in handy. Our selective memory always works in a way that we forget the bad parts. Years later only good memories remain. Emails can remind you that you did go through similar experiences in your life and that things passed. It was difficult when I started my internship. Both of them. It was difficult when I started with my PhD. And it is normal that it is difficult now sometimes. These difficult times will pass (and they probably already started to do so slowly). I know that when I am in a very bad mood, it is very difficult to see how many good things I have in my life. I have a good job. I am (relatively) healthy and everyone I love and care about is healthy too. I have an awesome family and an amazing husband. I have the best bunch of friends. They might be a bit far away sometimes, but always just a phone call or an email away. I even have some pretty good friends here. I know that my best friend is only one in the world and that no one will be able to be exactly like her. But I am having people I can talk to, I probably just need to show a bit more initiative than I am used (or comfortable) to. Life pushes stones on our paths sometimes and it is not always easy to push them away. But it is never ok to made lives of other people more miserable because you are not in a good mood. And this is exactly what I was doing in the last months I am afraid.

It's OK not to be OK

One of the most common things you will hear in Australia is: "How are you?" While I know that people generally expect something in the sense that you are fine, I am still sometimes keen to ask a person if he really wants to know how I am or is it that he just wants to hear an expected answer. In Slovenia (I guess in Europe in general) we only ask people how they feel when we really want to know the true answer and we are prepared to spend time to talk to a person that does not feel well (I have just recently been watching a vlog of an American woman saying how this shocked her after she got married and she moved to Slovenia). I have a feeling that recently people are more often struggling with different mental issues and I guess this is also why the university came up with the slogan that it is Ok not to be OK. However, I guess we still do not know how to deal with it and how to properly deal with these problems. It is funny how human relations are so complicated, how we are able to do high tech research, but when we come to our relationships we can still make them so complicated.

I have been struggling for the last few months. I know it was the same at the end of my first year of my PhD and I managed to come through it. I know that things are most probably just temporary and I just need a bit more of patience. I guess the thing is that even I sometimes do not know what really bothers me, but I do struggle every morning before going to work. I struggle with my self-confidence when I often feel as a big failure and that I cannot really get any valuable results. It does not help that I often feel excluded from the rest of the group and that no one really cares about my opinion or my knowledge. Sometimes it feels like someone would throw me on the floor and stepped over me. I know that relationships we had in Switzerland took time as well and I hope things will change here as well. But I do not remember when I was struggling so much just by going to work. Just to convince myself to go to the lab. Being sad when being left alone for lunch coming so far that recently I rather just skip lunch and not eat anymore.

I have always seen myself as a social person. I was often the organiser. I was happy and cheerful. Now I often find myself alone. I keep quiet in a group of people. Groups of people make me anxious and I know this is difficult to understand. I am waiting for others to come to me as I know that I will take every no as a rejection. And this makes me even more depressed. I wish someone would listen to what I have to say, that someone would ask me about my opinion as well. Now it often feels I am just good in executing the orders. I guess I just wish I would have some friends.

I am quite afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid what it will bring and how much energy it will take to come through the day. Life is so much easier when you are happy ...

How are you?

Mischa says I am blogging a lot recently. He is right, I do blog more when I am not feeling well. It is therapeutic, it is like a friend that is always there. It feels better when the words are on the paper (or screen in this instance).
I promised myself to not show others how I feel anymore. As I know that this often turns into the mixture of sadness and anger and I know it is difficult to understand. It is confusing. And it is definitely not worth losing those few people around me that actually care. The ones I like and do want to keep as friends. However, it is difficult when you all of a sudden start feeling really sad. It is difficult to go to work in the morning. It is often difficult to focus on work and this often requires a lot of energy. It is difficult to hold back the tears as you cannot cry in public. On the other hand: it is very easy to feel lonely. It is easy to feel worthless. It is easy to feel that no one cares. I know that I felt similar when I moved to Switzerland. I know that things take time. I know I need to be careful how I act towards people when I feel like that. I know that things will get better, that life is never just bad. I know that things sometimes take just a little bit more time ...

To be or ...

I sometimes need to remember the times back in the 7th grade when I decided to study (Bio)Chemistry. It is funny how sometimes you exactly know what you want to do. I need to remind myself that at some point I obviously had a vision of what I want to do. Because nowadays things turned and I am not sure if this is really the thing. I definitely still enjoy working in science, but I don't know if I do fit in this. I know that comparing myself to others does not help. I know that I cannot be in the same position and that we all had to start at the beginning and fight our way up the ladder. I hate myself when I know that a single conversation can completely turn my day around. I know that when people say that I did something good, this quickly escapes my brain, but it bothers and bites for a long time when I have a feeling I have not done something good enough. When I think that I will always stay at the same point, that I will never reach a step higher, that I will never be able to apply for my own money, that I will never get good publications ... Mischa says I need to fight and believe in myself, but I guess I am one of those that like to give up. One of those that need more encouragement. One of those that needs to hear things from people I respect for what they have achieved. It is a tough game and when it comes to the fight for positions, you will always be left alone. When it comes to this, relationships that you have do not matter and you need to stand up and fight for yourself as at this point really no one cares what you think or feel. I know I have definitely not learnt how to fight, my low self-esteem does not help with this. I will probably never stand up for myself, but rather just go low and convince myself I do not care.

Maybe I am really not good enough. But this is the only thing I know and this scares me. It makes me so anxious sometimes. I am trying to remember how it felt when I was convinced that this is it and when this doubt into myself started. I guess this does make me give up too often. I often need to convince myself in the morning that it is still worth going to work and that this feeling of not being good enough is just temporary. But then, there is too often that I just wish I could quit everything and leave. I know things only depend on myself and while others can make me feel better with sharing their feelings, no one else is responsible for my happiness.

A move

People always move because they are looking for something better. You always wish that the new place will bring new, exciting things. However, sometimes things do not work out the way you hoped for or maybe they just need a bit more time.

Today, Sundays often feel like Sundays in primary school. When I had a long discussion with my mum every Monday morning whether I will go to school or not and I know that my mum was exhausted every day I left the house from trying to convince me that I need to go to school. I know I always felt like I do not belong there and I probably had one real friend through all those years of primary school. Now that we grew up, we get along much better than we did in those days, but I will never forget how difficult things were for me back then. I guess I feel a bit similar nowadays- like I do not belong anywhere and Sundays evening are probably the most difficult. I am afraid of lunchtime when I know that I will most probably eat alone and I will feel rejected, sad and alone. Sometimes, I literally do not speak to anyone the whole day as lots of things that I do take place in the labs where I am alone. I am trying to convince myself it is just work. It is a place to go to do things and get payed. I am convincing myself it is probably just for a few more years. I know that sometimes things feel worse than they are. And I know that there are people who go through much tougher situations than I do: they are maybe having a sick relative/friend, they are maybe sick themselves, there are people with great potential that are stuck in wars and are fighting for their lives every single day ... And I feel sad because it is difficult for me to make new friends and because I cannot see clearly if the work I am doing is good enough. I would often feel quite happy to be on my own, but I guess all this siuation returns me back to the times when I was 7 years old. Just that this time I do not have my mum to fight with. At this point I can take a decision and quit everything. Or I can try and accept the situation I am in and try to take tings less personally. I guess, the same as in the case of school, things will get better with time and I just need to keep fighting with myself.

Days like this

Life can sometimes feel pretty good. But then there is only one day that needs to come that turns everything upside down again. You again feel depressed. There is a lot of darkness all around. You hope everything would dissapear.
Quiting job? Why not, you have not done anything productive anyways. Everyone could have done what you did and you are struggling with some simple tasks for weeks already.
Friends? You thought you made some, but on days like this, it seems there is no one around. No one who would come to you and ask how you feel. I always thought I will be fine on my own, but this feeling of loneliness is slowly killing me. I wish I could scream to get some attention. Instead, it is slowly biting from the inside. I am walking like a tornado, on the outside it seems like I do not care about anything. But I do. I care too much. I am asking myself what is wrong with me that no one likes me. That no one wants to go for coffee with me. What I did wrong that no one wants to be my friend?
On days like this, I wish we would have never moved. I never thought I would have felt the way I feel. I never thought I would wish for someone to come and ask how I am. On days like this ... I just wish they would be over soon.