A move

People always move because they are looking for something better. You always wish that the new place will bring new, exciting things. However, sometimes things do not work out the way you hoped for or maybe they just need a bit more time.

Today, Sundays often feel like Sundays in primary school. When I had a long discussion with my mum every Monday morning whether I will go to school or not and I know that my mum was exhausted every day I left the house from trying to convince me that I need to go to school. I know I always felt like I do not belong there and I probably had one real friend through all those years of primary school. Now that we grew up, we get along much better than we did in those days, but I will never forget how difficult things were for me back then. I guess I feel a bit similar nowadays- like I do not belong anywhere and Sundays evening are probably the most difficult. I am afraid of lunchtime when I know that I will most probably eat alone and I will feel rejected, sad and alone. Sometimes, I literally do not speak to anyone the whole day as lots of things that I do take place in the labs where I am alone. I am trying to convince myself it is just work. It is a place to go to do things and get payed. I am convincing myself it is probably just for a few more years. I know that sometimes things feel worse than they are. And I know that there are people who go through much tougher situations than I do: they are maybe having a sick relative/friend, they are maybe sick themselves, there are people with great potential that are stuck in wars and are fighting for their lives every single day ... And I feel sad because it is difficult for me to make new friends and because I cannot see clearly if the work I am doing is good enough. I would often feel quite happy to be on my own, but I guess all this siuation returns me back to the times when I was 7 years old. Just that this time I do not have my mum to fight with. At this point I can take a decision and quit everything. Or I can try and accept the situation I am in and try to take tings less personally. I guess, the same as in the case of school, things will get better with time and I just need to keep fighting with myself.