And another year passed. A year ago I defended my thesis. I had all my family and friends around myself and I was on top of the mountain. We both had offers in Australia and I was thrilled about the move. I was so loking forward to this, to the new opportunities that are awaiting for us. A year later, the reality hit quite hard.
It has been an interesting year, a year of high highs and equally low lows. The new lab is quite different to the old one and I managed to come to a really good project. Which meant a lot of work, but I always loved spending my time in the lab. When we finally managed to get well diffracting crystals, I started to question myself. I started to have troubles in finidng my position. In my head, I am definitely not a structural biologist and I will never manage to be. My minds became completely occupied with all sorts of questions: can I do it? Shall I quit? What can I actually do? I spent all my life trying to learn things and now it feels like I do not have a single atribute I can use in my favour. For the last two months I have been divided between the thoughts saying I cannot do it and that it is not worth it and a few moments when I had a feeling that I can learn and that nothing is lost so far. Sometimes it feels like my part is done and now it is time to give it away, like it is not my project anymore. All these things made me quite depressed and I had difficulties dealing with everything, pushing the rare few people I have around myself even further away. And while I was asking myself why no one comes to ask if I am OK and to maybe listen to what bothers me, they were most probably equally asking themselves what is going on, leaving space for me to sort my things out. I often wish I would not need this confirmation that I am doing well and that I can learn everyting I decide to learn. I do wish my self-esteem would be better. I do wish I could be proud on myself sometimes and I would not just see the achievements of others and be "jealous". I do wish I could have objectively see my achivements. And I do wish I would not feel ashamed for everything I do not know so far. Yet. Because, at the end, we are all constantly learning and nohthing is ever just given to you.
