How are you?

Mischa says I am blogging a lot recently. He is right, I do blog more when I am not feeling well. It is therapeutic, it is like a friend that is always there. It feels better when the words are on the paper (or screen in this instance).
I promised myself to not show others how I feel anymore. As I know that this often turns into the mixture of sadness and anger and I know it is difficult to understand. It is confusing. And it is definitely not worth losing those few people around me that actually care. The ones I like and do want to keep as friends. However, it is difficult when you all of a sudden start feeling really sad. It is difficult to go to work in the morning. It is often difficult to focus on work and this often requires a lot of energy. It is difficult to hold back the tears as you cannot cry in public. On the other hand: it is very easy to feel lonely. It is easy to feel worthless. It is easy to feel that no one cares. I know that I felt similar when I moved to Switzerland. I know that things take time. I know I need to be careful how I act towards people when I feel like that. I know that things will get better, that life is never just bad. I know that things sometimes take just a little bit more time ...

To be or ...

I sometimes need to remember the times back in the 7th grade when I decided to study (Bio)Chemistry. It is funny how sometimes you exactly know what you want to do. I need to remind myself that at some point I obviously had a vision of what I want to do. Because nowadays things turned and I am not sure if this is really the thing. I definitely still enjoy working in science, but I don't know if I do fit in this. I know that comparing myself to others does not help. I know that I cannot be in the same position and that we all had to start at the beginning and fight our way up the ladder. I hate myself when I know that a single conversation can completely turn my day around. I know that when people say that I did something good, this quickly escapes my brain, but it bothers and bites for a long time when I have a feeling I have not done something good enough. When I think that I will always stay at the same point, that I will never reach a step higher, that I will never be able to apply for my own money, that I will never get good publications ... Mischa says I need to fight and believe in myself, but I guess I am one of those that like to give up. One of those that need more encouragement. One of those that needs to hear things from people I respect for what they have achieved. It is a tough game and when it comes to the fight for positions, you will always be left alone. When it comes to this, relationships that you have do not matter and you need to stand up and fight for yourself as at this point really no one cares what you think or feel. I know I have definitely not learnt how to fight, my low self-esteem does not help with this. I will probably never stand up for myself, but rather just go low and convince myself I do not care.

Maybe I am really not good enough. But this is the only thing I know and this scares me. It makes me so anxious sometimes. I am trying to remember how it felt when I was convinced that this is it and when this doubt into myself started. I guess this does make me give up too often. I often need to convince myself in the morning that it is still worth going to work and that this feeling of not being good enough is just temporary. But then, there is too often that I just wish I could quit everything and leave. I know things only depend on myself and while others can make me feel better with sharing their feelings, no one else is responsible for my happiness.

A move

People always move because they are looking for something better. You always wish that the new place will bring new, exciting things. However, sometimes things do not work out the way you hoped for or maybe they just need a bit more time.

Today, Sundays often feel like Sundays in primary school. When I had a long discussion with my mum every Monday morning whether I will go to school or not and I know that my mum was exhausted every day I left the house from trying to convince me that I need to go to school. I know I always felt like I do not belong there and I probably had one real friend through all those years of primary school. Now that we grew up, we get along much better than we did in those days, but I will never forget how difficult things were for me back then. I guess I feel a bit similar nowadays- like I do not belong anywhere and Sundays evening are probably the most difficult. I am afraid of lunchtime when I know that I will most probably eat alone and I will feel rejected, sad and alone. Sometimes, I literally do not speak to anyone the whole day as lots of things that I do take place in the labs where I am alone. I am trying to convince myself it is just work. It is a place to go to do things and get payed. I am convincing myself it is probably just for a few more years. I know that sometimes things feel worse than they are. And I know that there are people who go through much tougher situations than I do: they are maybe having a sick relative/friend, they are maybe sick themselves, there are people with great potential that are stuck in wars and are fighting for their lives every single day ... And I feel sad because it is difficult for me to make new friends and because I cannot see clearly if the work I am doing is good enough. I would often feel quite happy to be on my own, but I guess all this siuation returns me back to the times when I was 7 years old. Just that this time I do not have my mum to fight with. At this point I can take a decision and quit everything. Or I can try and accept the situation I am in and try to take tings less personally. I guess, the same as in the case of school, things will get better with time and I just need to keep fighting with myself.

Days like this

Life can sometimes feel pretty good. But then there is only one day that needs to come that turns everything upside down again. You again feel depressed. There is a lot of darkness all around. You hope everything would dissapear.
Quiting job? Why not, you have not done anything productive anyways. Everyone could have done what you did and you are struggling with some simple tasks for weeks already.
Friends? You thought you made some, but on days like this, it seems there is no one around. No one who would come to you and ask how you feel. I always thought I will be fine on my own, but this feeling of loneliness is slowly killing me. I wish I could scream to get some attention. Instead, it is slowly biting from the inside. I am walking like a tornado, on the outside it seems like I do not care about anything. But I do. I care too much. I am asking myself what is wrong with me that no one likes me. That no one wants to go for coffee with me. What I did wrong that no one wants to be my friend?
On days like this, I wish we would have never moved. I never thought I would have felt the way I feel. I never thought I would wish for someone to come and ask how I am. On days like this ... I just wish they would be over soon.