To be or ...

I sometimes need to remember the times back in the 7th grade when I decided to study (Bio)Chemistry. It is funny how sometimes you exactly know what you want to do. I need to remind myself that at some point I obviously had a vision of what I want to do. Because nowadays things turned and I am not sure if this is really the thing. I definitely still enjoy working in science, but I don't know if I do fit in this. I know that comparing myself to others does not help. I know that I cannot be in the same position and that we all had to start at the beginning and fight our way up the ladder. I hate myself when I know that a single conversation can completely turn my day around. I know that when people say that I did something good, this quickly escapes my brain, but it bothers and bites for a long time when I have a feeling I have not done something good enough. When I think that I will always stay at the same point, that I will never reach a step higher, that I will never be able to apply for my own money, that I will never get good publications ... Mischa says I need to fight and believe in myself, but I guess I am one of those that like to give up. One of those that need more encouragement. One of those that needs to hear things from people I respect for what they have achieved. It is a tough game and when it comes to the fight for positions, you will always be left alone. When it comes to this, relationships that you have do not matter and you need to stand up and fight for yourself as at this point really no one cares what you think or feel. I know I have definitely not learnt how to fight, my low self-esteem does not help with this. I will probably never stand up for myself, but rather just go low and convince myself I do not care.

Maybe I am really not good enough. But this is the only thing I know and this scares me. It makes me so anxious sometimes. I am trying to remember how it felt when I was convinced that this is it and when this doubt into myself started. I guess this does make me give up too often. I often need to convince myself in the morning that it is still worth going to work and that this feeling of not being good enough is just temporary. But then, there is too often that I just wish I could quit everything and leave. I know things only depend on myself and while others can make me feel better with sharing their feelings, no one else is responsible for my happiness.