One of the most common things you will hear in Australia is: "How are you?" While I know that people generally expect something in the sense that you are fine, I am still sometimes keen to ask a person if he really wants to know how I am or is it that he just wants to hear an expected answer. In Slovenia (I guess in Europe in general) we only ask people how they feel when we really want to know the true answer and we are prepared to spend time to talk to a person that does not feel well (I have just recently been watching a vlog of an American woman saying how this shocked her after she got married and she moved to Slovenia). I have a feeling that recently people are more often struggling with different mental issues and I guess this is also why the university came up with the slogan that it is Ok not to be OK. However, I guess we still do not know how to deal with it and how to properly deal with these problems. It is funny how human relations are so complicated, how we are able to do high tech research, but when we come to our relationships we can still make them so complicated.
I have been struggling for the last few months. I know it was the same at the end of my first year of my PhD and I managed to come through it. I know that things are most probably just temporary and I just need a bit more of patience. I guess the thing is that even I sometimes do not know what really bothers me, but I do struggle every morning before going to work. I struggle with my self-confidence when I often feel as a big failure and that I cannot really get any valuable results. It does not help that I often feel excluded from the rest of the group and that no one really cares about my opinion or my knowledge. Sometimes it feels like someone would throw me on the floor and stepped over me. I know that relationships we had in Switzerland took time as well and I hope things will change here as well. But I do not remember when I was struggling so much just by going to work. Just to convince myself to go to the lab. Being sad when being left alone for lunch coming so far that recently I rather just skip lunch and not eat anymore.
I have always seen myself as a social person. I was often the organiser. I was happy and cheerful. Now I often find myself alone. I keep quiet in a group of people. Groups of people make me anxious and I know this is difficult to understand. I am waiting for others to come to me as I know that I will take every no as a rejection. And this makes me even more depressed. I wish someone would listen to what I have to say, that someone would ask me about my opinion as well. Now it often feels I am just good in executing the orders. I guess I just wish I would have some friends.
I am quite afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid what it will bring and how much energy it will take to come through the day. Life is so much easier when you are happy ...
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