A rollercoaster of emotions

It seems that lately my feelings and emotions change daily. Probably more hourly than daily, to be honest. Quite often even I do not understand myself, but I expect others to do so. I was able to just start crying out of nothing and there was no reason for it. I know I just hopped there would be someone to offer a shoulder to cry on, but with everyone being far away, that was quite an optimistic wish.
I guess there was a combination of things that made me feel the way I felt: the end of the year, the end of my contract, not knowing exactly how to tackle this: whether I should go to talk to my supervisor or wait for him to bring things up ... Taking into the account that we both depend on my working visa, there is much more on the line than just the fact that I might be without a job at some point. On the other hand, people around us are getting back the results of their grants application, planning their future, applying for permanent residence and citizenship that definitely brings more stability. With all the changes that the government is making, it sometimes feels that it is now or never: if we do not do a move now, we will most probably be screwed. On the other hand, we can just go as it is and hope for the best and that the time will put things into the right order. The way we were raised makes me (us) anxious, but maybe taking a step back would make our lives a bit easier. If nothing changes, we can go back to Europe in two years and if things work out good, we might stay here.

I often have a feeling that none of us is really happy though, that we are both struggling with enjoying our time here. And that it is all my fault as it has been my idea to come here in the first place. While I know I did learn a lot, I still have a feeling I have not achieved much and I often feel like a failure. Nevertheless, it is not all just black and white: we live 1.5 km from the beach, we are able to eat most of our dinners outside and go to the beach for an ice cream afterwards. On a weekday. We can spend a lot of our time together. It often feels like a seaside when you inhale fresh salty air when you step out of the flat in the morning. This is often connected with the smell of Eucalypt trees. I am able to cycle to work and go running most days. However, I often feel lonely. I miss having someone that would drag me out on a bad day. I still have very small circle of people around myself. When it comes to this, Mischa says I have a "middle child syndrome": I am very protective of people I like and I am afraid someone will take them away. He is probably right, I often wish I would be more like him, more social and less introverted. Things sometimes just need some more time and patience ...