It's OK not to be OK

One of the most common things you will hear in Australia is: "How are you?" While I know that people generally expect something in the sense that you are fine, I am still sometimes keen to ask a person if he really wants to know how I am or is it that he just wants to hear an expected answer. In Slovenia (I guess in Europe in general) we only ask people how they feel when we really want to know the true answer and we are prepared to spend time to talk to a person that does not feel well (I have just recently been watching a vlog of an American woman saying how this shocked her after she got married and she moved to Slovenia). I have a feeling that recently people are more often struggling with different mental issues and I guess this is also why the university came up with the slogan that it is Ok not to be OK. However, I guess we still do not know how to deal with it and how to properly deal with these problems. It is funny how human relations are so complicated, how we are able to do high tech research, but when we come to our relationships we can still make them so complicated.

I have been struggling for the last few months. I know it was the same at the end of my first year of my PhD and I managed to come through it. I know that things are most probably just temporary and I just need a bit more of patience. I guess the thing is that even I sometimes do not know what really bothers me, but I do struggle every morning before going to work. I struggle with my self-confidence when I often feel as a big failure and that I cannot really get any valuable results. It does not help that I often feel excluded from the rest of the group and that no one really cares about my opinion or my knowledge. Sometimes it feels like someone would throw me on the floor and stepped over me. I know that relationships we had in Switzerland took time as well and I hope things will change here as well. But I do not remember when I was struggling so much just by going to work. Just to convince myself to go to the lab. Being sad when being left alone for lunch coming so far that recently I rather just skip lunch and not eat anymore.

I have always seen myself as a social person. I was often the organiser. I was happy and cheerful. Now I often find myself alone. I keep quiet in a group of people. Groups of people make me anxious and I know this is difficult to understand. I am waiting for others to come to me as I know that I will take every no as a rejection. And this makes me even more depressed. I wish someone would listen to what I have to say, that someone would ask me about my opinion as well. Now it often feels I am just good in executing the orders. I guess I just wish I would have some friends.

I am quite afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid what it will bring and how much energy it will take to come through the day. Life is so much easier when you are happy ...

How are you?

Mischa says I am blogging a lot recently. He is right, I do blog more when I am not feeling well. It is therapeutic, it is like a friend that is always there. It feels better when the words are on the paper (or screen in this instance).
I promised myself to not show others how I feel anymore. As I know that this often turns into the mixture of sadness and anger and I know it is difficult to understand. It is confusing. And it is definitely not worth losing those few people around me that actually care. The ones I like and do want to keep as friends. However, it is difficult when you all of a sudden start feeling really sad. It is difficult to go to work in the morning. It is often difficult to focus on work and this often requires a lot of energy. It is difficult to hold back the tears as you cannot cry in public. On the other hand: it is very easy to feel lonely. It is easy to feel worthless. It is easy to feel that no one cares. I know that I felt similar when I moved to Switzerland. I know that things take time. I know I need to be careful how I act towards people when I feel like that. I know that things will get better, that life is never just bad. I know that things sometimes take just a little bit more time ...

To be or ...

I sometimes need to remember the times back in the 7th grade when I decided to study (Bio)Chemistry. It is funny how sometimes you exactly know what you want to do. I need to remind myself that at some point I obviously had a vision of what I want to do. Because nowadays things turned and I am not sure if this is really the thing. I definitely still enjoy working in science, but I don't know if I do fit in this. I know that comparing myself to others does not help. I know that I cannot be in the same position and that we all had to start at the beginning and fight our way up the ladder. I hate myself when I know that a single conversation can completely turn my day around. I know that when people say that I did something good, this quickly escapes my brain, but it bothers and bites for a long time when I have a feeling I have not done something good enough. When I think that I will always stay at the same point, that I will never reach a step higher, that I will never be able to apply for my own money, that I will never get good publications ... Mischa says I need to fight and believe in myself, but I guess I am one of those that like to give up. One of those that need more encouragement. One of those that needs to hear things from people I respect for what they have achieved. It is a tough game and when it comes to the fight for positions, you will always be left alone. When it comes to this, relationships that you have do not matter and you need to stand up and fight for yourself as at this point really no one cares what you think or feel. I know I have definitely not learnt how to fight, my low self-esteem does not help with this. I will probably never stand up for myself, but rather just go low and convince myself I do not care.

Maybe I am really not good enough. But this is the only thing I know and this scares me. It makes me so anxious sometimes. I am trying to remember how it felt when I was convinced that this is it and when this doubt into myself started. I guess this does make me give up too often. I often need to convince myself in the morning that it is still worth going to work and that this feeling of not being good enough is just temporary. But then, there is too often that I just wish I could quit everything and leave. I know things only depend on myself and while others can make me feel better with sharing their feelings, no one else is responsible for my happiness.

A move

People always move because they are looking for something better. You always wish that the new place will bring new, exciting things. However, sometimes things do not work out the way you hoped for or maybe they just need a bit more time.

Today, Sundays often feel like Sundays in primary school. When I had a long discussion with my mum every Monday morning whether I will go to school or not and I know that my mum was exhausted every day I left the house from trying to convince me that I need to go to school. I know I always felt like I do not belong there and I probably had one real friend through all those years of primary school. Now that we grew up, we get along much better than we did in those days, but I will never forget how difficult things were for me back then. I guess I feel a bit similar nowadays- like I do not belong anywhere and Sundays evening are probably the most difficult. I am afraid of lunchtime when I know that I will most probably eat alone and I will feel rejected, sad and alone. Sometimes, I literally do not speak to anyone the whole day as lots of things that I do take place in the labs where I am alone. I am trying to convince myself it is just work. It is a place to go to do things and get payed. I am convincing myself it is probably just for a few more years. I know that sometimes things feel worse than they are. And I know that there are people who go through much tougher situations than I do: they are maybe having a sick relative/friend, they are maybe sick themselves, there are people with great potential that are stuck in wars and are fighting for their lives every single day ... And I feel sad because it is difficult for me to make new friends and because I cannot see clearly if the work I am doing is good enough. I would often feel quite happy to be on my own, but I guess all this siuation returns me back to the times when I was 7 years old. Just that this time I do not have my mum to fight with. At this point I can take a decision and quit everything. Or I can try and accept the situation I am in and try to take tings less personally. I guess, the same as in the case of school, things will get better with time and I just need to keep fighting with myself.

Days like this

Life can sometimes feel pretty good. But then there is only one day that needs to come that turns everything upside down again. You again feel depressed. There is a lot of darkness all around. You hope everything would dissapear.
Quiting job? Why not, you have not done anything productive anyways. Everyone could have done what you did and you are struggling with some simple tasks for weeks already.
Friends? You thought you made some, but on days like this, it seems there is no one around. No one who would come to you and ask how you feel. I always thought I will be fine on my own, but this feeling of loneliness is slowly killing me. I wish I could scream to get some attention. Instead, it is slowly biting from the inside. I am walking like a tornado, on the outside it seems like I do not care about anything. But I do. I care too much. I am asking myself what is wrong with me that no one likes me. That no one wants to go for coffee with me. What I did wrong that no one wants to be my friend?
On days like this, I wish we would have never moved. I never thought I would have felt the way I feel. I never thought I would wish for someone to come and ask how I am. On days like this ... I just wish they would be over soon.

Last months ...

And another year passed. A year ago I defended my thesis. I had all my family and friends around myself and I was on top of the mountain. We both had offers in Australia and I was thrilled about the move. I was so loking forward to this, to the new opportunities that are awaiting for us. A year later, the reality hit quite hard.

It has been an interesting year, a year of high highs and equally low lows. The new lab is quite different to the old one and I managed to come to a really good project. Which meant a lot of work, but I always loved spending my time in the lab. When we finally managed to get well diffracting crystals, I started to question myself. I started to have troubles in finidng my position. In my head, I am definitely not a structural biologist and I will never manage to be. My minds became completely occupied with all sorts of questions: can I do it? Shall I quit? What can I actually do? I spent all my life trying to learn things and now it feels like I do not have a single atribute I can use in my favour. For the last two months I have been divided between the thoughts saying I cannot do it and that it is not worth it and a few moments when I had a feeling that I can learn and that nothing is lost so far. Sometimes it feels like my part is done and now it is time to give it away, like it is not my project anymore. All these things made me quite depressed and I had difficulties dealing with everything, pushing the rare few people I have around myself even further away. And while I was asking myself why no one comes to ask if I am OK and to maybe listen to what bothers me, they were most probably equally asking themselves what is going on, leaving space for me to sort my things out. I often wish I would not need this confirmation that I am doing well and that I can learn everyting I decide to learn. I do wish my self-esteem would be better. I do wish I could be proud on myself sometimes and I would not just see the achievements of others and be "jealous". I do wish I could have objectively see my achivements. And I do wish I would not feel ashamed for everything I do not know so far. Yet. Because, at the end, we are all constantly learning and nohthing is ever just given to you.

A rollercoaster of emotions

It seems that lately my feelings and emotions change daily. Probably more hourly than daily, to be honest. Quite often even I do not understand myself, but I expect others to do so. I was able to just start crying out of nothing and there was no reason for it. I know I just hopped there would be someone to offer a shoulder to cry on, but with everyone being far away, that was quite an optimistic wish.
I guess there was a combination of things that made me feel the way I felt: the end of the year, the end of my contract, not knowing exactly how to tackle this: whether I should go to talk to my supervisor or wait for him to bring things up ... Taking into the account that we both depend on my working visa, there is much more on the line than just the fact that I might be without a job at some point. On the other hand, people around us are getting back the results of their grants application, planning their future, applying for permanent residence and citizenship that definitely brings more stability. With all the changes that the government is making, it sometimes feels that it is now or never: if we do not do a move now, we will most probably be screwed. On the other hand, we can just go as it is and hope for the best and that the time will put things into the right order. The way we were raised makes me (us) anxious, but maybe taking a step back would make our lives a bit easier. If nothing changes, we can go back to Europe in two years and if things work out good, we might stay here.

I often have a feeling that none of us is really happy though, that we are both struggling with enjoying our time here. And that it is all my fault as it has been my idea to come here in the first place. While I know I did learn a lot, I still have a feeling I have not achieved much and I often feel like a failure. Nevertheless, it is not all just black and white: we live 1.5 km from the beach, we are able to eat most of our dinners outside and go to the beach for an ice cream afterwards. On a weekday. We can spend a lot of our time together. It often feels like a seaside when you inhale fresh salty air when you step out of the flat in the morning. This is often connected with the smell of Eucalypt trees. I am able to cycle to work and go running most days. However, I often feel lonely. I miss having someone that would drag me out on a bad day. I still have very small circle of people around myself. When it comes to this, Mischa says I have a "middle child syndrome": I am very protective of people I like and I am afraid someone will take them away. He is probably right, I often wish I would be more like him, more social and less introverted. Things sometimes just need some more time and patience ...