Sick (in Science)

Since I am employed, I am probably sick a bit more than I used to be. I guess this is the only way that I slow down and rest. Usually I am good after a day in bed and then I am prepared to work a 100% again.

However, this was not the case this time. I came home on Tuesday at 8 in the evening after feeling bad the whole day already. I just managed to get into the bed and measure the temperature: I had over 39 degrees, not sure when this happened the last time. I was not aware of myself nor anything around me and I was never more grateful for having Mischa around to take care of me. The next two days I spent in bed, mostly sleeping. Knowing that I will not be back at work before next week, I knew my experiments were ruined. One was probably saved by my coworker that was kind enough to take over my cells (besides already taking care of my students). The other one will be trashed tomorrow as I cannot save it anymore. One month of work and I don't want to think about the money that was wasted in a few days. It was not a month that has taken my full time to work on it, but it does mean I need to start from the beginning which means that I will not have the results for one more month. Ah ... Sometimes I wish our work could be halted. ;)

However, it was nice at home. It was nice to sleep and watch series. But I am also looking forward to being completely recovered. To go back to work. To go running. To go climbing. And to finally have some social interaction again (besides the one through the message where I was offered help: thanks Klara, I appreciate it).

New Zealand

We have been dreaming about New Zealand since we met in Australia, but there we barely had enough time to explore that country. So New Zealand had to wait. At the end of the first year of my PhD we finally had enough time and money to go. In the beginning of December we left the fresh snow in Zurich and started our trip with 30 hours on the plane. We did`t have much plans: landing in Auckland, leaving from Christchurch and in between ... Who knows. Renting a van that will be our home for one month and just enjoy the life.

After 11 months of work and barely no holidays it was so good to put my thought on off. I have been so happy when a friend of my mum picked us up at the airport and took us directly to the beach. I fell in love with this country immediately. With its mountains. Awesome people. Closeness. Thousands of cows and sheep. Easiness of travel. The ability to do so many things ...

We have traveled from north to south. Having 35 days, we thought we will have enough time to see everything, but we couldn`t be more wrong. We have done over 6000 km in this time, but we had left a fair bit of things to see next time. We enjoyed in the nature and amazing food. We did a fair bit of the adventure sports that New Zealand has to offer: rafting over the highest commercially raftable waterfall, blackwater rafting, surfing, skydiving (ok, only Mischa did that), ice climbing ... I was really happy that I took my running shoes with me when I woke up early in the morning and went for a run before breakfast. Especially after finding the best running spot around an old volcano next to the sea in Mount Maunganui. Since the pictures tell more than a hundred words, I will share this with you: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151945800514001.1073741827.595374000&type=1&l=bea26bcbba and finish with my blabbing.

Feeling lonely

Days like days always make me a bit sad and depressed. I spent the last week in Oxford having our Marie Curie ITN training. We had basic training in communication with media and microfocus beamlines. But in general it was meant to meet other participants and exchange some thoughts on our research. It was funny how we all came there with same fears and left with same thoughts how we spent great time together. Well, besides meeting awesome people, I also brought back a really bad cold with headaches and blocked nose which basically means I spent the day in bed trying to recover as soon as possible.

Mischa went to the USA already in the early morning, which means there is basically no one I can communicate. I can't believe I am living here for 11 months already and I still have no friends. I really tried, but nothing really works, it seems everything is just one way communication. I guess I am not prepared to be the one who will always organize the meetings after all. I know I might need just a bit more time, but days like days really make me sad. I miss my friends, someone that would come over with some aspirins, a smile and ice cream and to whom I could talk and not spend all my day watching "Rules of engagement".

I know I would probably find a bunch of things to do if I would not feel so bad, but it is a reality that I become really bored in a short time and I am not good with dealing with this. But hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and all these negative thoughts will go away.

Stop the time

Lately things have changed. They turned for 180 degrees and time started to fly. I barely follow which day it is and probably only know the date because I need to label the samples in the lab.

If, until now, I have not been sure if I want to stay in Switzerland, I now decided I will. At least until the end of my PhD. Or better said: until the end of my PhD. :) I have had long conversation at work with all my supervisors whether to stay or to go. And after talking to all three of them for one hour, changing my project quite a bit, changing my working bench to another lab and actually having much more communication with people that are working on the same topic, things look much nicer. I am sure I can make my project work and this is the major reason why time flies so fast recently. I want to have purified protein by the time I go for holidays (my supervisor wants plates with set up protein for crystallization) and this means I am also working on weekends so that I am not wasting any time. Because I have not had any real holidays this year and I have problems sleeping, I am tired all the time. I have problems getting up in the morning and at the moment life really does not exist before the first coffee. And then continues with second and third ... I am really looking forward to go for holidays. Even though that I know I might be even more tired after I come back to Switzerland. :P

And the rest of my life? I still miss some people that have left in the last month. I still miss old conversations and I am worrying I might bother people too much with trying to talk to them. On the other hand, I am trying to let things go. Live some time to pass. I know things will change and you never know what time has to offer. On the other hand I am trying to connect more with people that are here. To get a bit more involved with IAESTE in Zurich, I went to the cinema with some of my coworkers and we are trying to organize bowling for all PhD students in our department. I started to go to the gym again and it is time to plan the trip and finalise the general plan. And the time flies. You come home, eat dinner and it is 11 already and time to go to sleep. Let's stop the time. Just for a little while, so we can enjoy the moment.

Just need some time

I have just come back from home. It is a funny feeling knowing that Mischa stayed in Slovenia to do some more experiments before coming back. And I do feel a bit lonely. Because I am alone here and also because I had such an amazing time with all my friends back home. It was so good to catch up with all of them, especially because I have not seen some of them for almost a year. One of the most important conversation was the one I had today with one of my ex schoolmates. There were many bad times over last year and I had problems coping with certain issues that came up. I tried to solve them myself and got a huge amount of support from my best friends and family. But I realized today that the only thing that can really help is to talk to someone who went through the same thing. And I did. Maybe a bit late, but it is never too late. I had a conversation with one of the people I probably admire the most in my life. And when he was explaining how he felt, I had a feeling he is describing my situation. I now believe that it is true: I need some more time. Zurich did become my second home already, I just need some more time to adjust a bit more. I am so happy that the timing was right: what is the probability that two of us that live in 2 different countries meet in the third country at the same time? I do believe in myself a bit more now and I do believe that things will get better with a bit more time. All we need is a bit of patience. :) And people that know what to say.

Autumn is coming

It's been grey and rainy outside and it seems we are all a bit down lately. I can't believe we have still been swimming in the lake last Friday and today we are walking around in hoodies and are complaining how cold it became. Summer clothes will soon be replaced by winter ones and swimming will be replaced by skiing. We will be waiting for some sun to shine through the dark clouds and try to use every single moment we get.

Winter will pass again and summer will return. People will come, city will become full of life again. But there will be something that will not be the same. Some people will not return. Will new people be as good as the old one? Will we connect in the same way? Will we find the same stupid jokes?

Greyness makes me depressed. My head is still full of memories from the last summer. My heart is still happy when I find an email in my email box or a short message on facebook. It does not need to be much, but it still feels like we are together. Just for a little while. And I still hope that some people will return and we will enjoy more time together. Though that I try to convince myself it will probably never happen. Just that it hurts less.

Zombie and goodbye(s)

**This blog will be written in English as I will be also writing about some people that do not speak Slovene and might like to read this. I apologize for all grammar/vocabulary mistakes.**

Today I feel like a walking zombie. I haven't got enough sleep/rest in the last 3 weeks. It started with the exam on last Friday. I like to study, I enjoy when I learn new things, but I really hate that I need to learn things just that I can get a grade for it. I am too old for this. :P The combination of studying and working, trying to find some time to go running or do some other type of sport led to a huge lack of sleep. The exam was followed by the awesome Zermatt weekend. I was looking forward to this for weeks. The schedule was amazing, I was looking forward to meet some new IAESTE people and I really needed some time off after all the studying and working. My health did not agree with me. My head hurt like crazy, I was sick and tired and I spend the majority of Saturday evening in bed. However, I still met some really nice people, had some good conversations and I hope we will manage to spend some more time together until one of us leaves this country. ;)

The last week was a bit crazy. I came home from Zermatt quite late, spend the majority of the week in the lab and trying to clean my flat that looked like the atomic bomb would fell in at some point. I got a visit on Thursday evening: my mum and a daughter of my cousin. I was really looking to this, to doing the kids things, to spend time with them and put my head on off. I had nothing planned, no exam to study, no urgent work to do, no other things planned. However, together with this visit, the weekend was also full of goodbyes. Yeah, summer is over and people are leaving. It's something I have to accept. Now I understand how my friends were feeling when we were all going home from Australia and they were staying there. I still vividly remember how I felt when I came back home from Oz. At first everything felt so unreal, for the first few weeks I wished I could just sit on the plane and go back and be with all the friends I met there. I came over this. Time helps. I feel a bit similar now. I feel a bit sad that the group of people I occasionally shared my lunch breaks with is now gone, that there will be no one I could escape to when I don't want to eat with my group and that would always make me feel better. There will probably be no one that would make a crazy golf drinking game and actually make it work. I don't like goodbyes, but as one of my friends said yesterday: each goodbye just makes you stronger. What I always wish the most is that I would just have a little bit more time with people. Sometimes it happens that with some people you just connect, you don't need too many words, the conversation runs smoothly. Unfortunately this time it happened that I met one of the people of that kind just before he left. It happens, I just wish we would have met earlier, I think my life here would be a bit nicer having a friend more by my side. But I do believe we will all meet again. One day. Until then we have skype, gtalk and other virtual ways of communication.

It was a great weekend. Playing in the children's playground. Going to Uetliberg and enjoy sun. Going out and have a blast with IAESTE people. Talking to my mum. Drinking lots and lots and lots of coffee. Saying farewell.

So: goodbye to you all! Thanks for bringing some colour in my life and I believe we will meet again (soon). :)