To be or ...

I sometimes need to remember the times back in the 7th grade when I decided to study (Bio)Chemistry. It is funny how sometimes you exactly know what you want to do. I need to remind myself that at some point I obviously had a vision of what I want to do. Because nowadays things turned and I am not sure if this is really the thing. I definitely still enjoy working in science, but I don't know if I do fit in this. I know that comparing myself to others does not help. I know that I cannot be in the same position and that we all had to start at the beginning and fight our way up the ladder. I hate myself when I know that a single conversation can completely turn my day around. I know that when people say that I did something good, this quickly escapes my brain, but it bothers and bites for a long time when I have a feeling I have not done something good enough. When I think that I will always stay at the same point, that I will never reach a step higher, that I will never be able to apply for my own money, that I will never get good publications ... Mischa says I need to fight and believe in myself, but I guess I am one of those that like to give up. One of those that need more encouragement. One of those that needs to hear things from people I respect for what they have achieved. It is a tough game and when it comes to the fight for positions, you will always be left alone. When it comes to this, relationships that you have do not matter and you need to stand up and fight for yourself as at this point really no one cares what you think or feel. I know I have definitely not learnt how to fight, my low self-esteem does not help with this. I will probably never stand up for myself, but rather just go low and convince myself I do not care.

Maybe I am really not good enough. But this is the only thing I know and this scares me. It makes me so anxious sometimes. I am trying to remember how it felt when I was convinced that this is it and when this doubt into myself started. I guess this does make me give up too often. I often need to convince myself in the morning that it is still worth going to work and that this feeling of not being good enough is just temporary. But then, there is too often that I just wish I could quit everything and leave. I know things only depend on myself and while others can make me feel better with sharing their feelings, no one else is responsible for my happiness.

A move

People always move because they are looking for something better. You always wish that the new place will bring new, exciting things. However, sometimes things do not work out the way you hoped for or maybe they just need a bit more time.

Today, Sundays often feel like Sundays in primary school. When I had a long discussion with my mum every Monday morning whether I will go to school or not and I know that my mum was exhausted every day I left the house from trying to convince me that I need to go to school. I know I always felt like I do not belong there and I probably had one real friend through all those years of primary school. Now that we grew up, we get along much better than we did in those days, but I will never forget how difficult things were for me back then. I guess I feel a bit similar nowadays- like I do not belong anywhere and Sundays evening are probably the most difficult. I am afraid of lunchtime when I know that I will most probably eat alone and I will feel rejected, sad and alone. Sometimes, I literally do not speak to anyone the whole day as lots of things that I do take place in the labs where I am alone. I am trying to convince myself it is just work. It is a place to go to do things and get payed. I am convincing myself it is probably just for a few more years. I know that sometimes things feel worse than they are. And I know that there are people who go through much tougher situations than I do: they are maybe having a sick relative/friend, they are maybe sick themselves, there are people with great potential that are stuck in wars and are fighting for their lives every single day ... And I feel sad because it is difficult for me to make new friends and because I cannot see clearly if the work I am doing is good enough. I would often feel quite happy to be on my own, but I guess all this siuation returns me back to the times when I was 7 years old. Just that this time I do not have my mum to fight with. At this point I can take a decision and quit everything. Or I can try and accept the situation I am in and try to take tings less personally. I guess, the same as in the case of school, things will get better with time and I just need to keep fighting with myself.

Days like this

Life can sometimes feel pretty good. But then there is only one day that needs to come that turns everything upside down again. You again feel depressed. There is a lot of darkness all around. You hope everything would dissapear.
Quiting job? Why not, you have not done anything productive anyways. Everyone could have done what you did and you are struggling with some simple tasks for weeks already.
Friends? You thought you made some, but on days like this, it seems there is no one around. No one who would come to you and ask how you feel. I always thought I will be fine on my own, but this feeling of loneliness is slowly killing me. I wish I could scream to get some attention. Instead, it is slowly biting from the inside. I am walking like a tornado, on the outside it seems like I do not care about anything. But I do. I care too much. I am asking myself what is wrong with me that no one likes me. That no one wants to go for coffee with me. What I did wrong that no one wants to be my friend?
On days like this, I wish we would have never moved. I never thought I would have felt the way I feel. I never thought I would wish for someone to come and ask how I am. On days like this ... I just wish they would be over soon.

Last months ...

And another year passed. A year ago I defended my thesis. I had all my family and friends around myself and I was on top of the mountain. We both had offers in Australia and I was thrilled about the move. I was so loking forward to this, to the new opportunities that are awaiting for us. A year later, the reality hit quite hard.

It has been an interesting year, a year of high highs and equally low lows. The new lab is quite different to the old one and I managed to come to a really good project. Which meant a lot of work, but I always loved spending my time in the lab. When we finally managed to get well diffracting crystals, I started to question myself. I started to have troubles in finidng my position. In my head, I am definitely not a structural biologist and I will never manage to be. My minds became completely occupied with all sorts of questions: can I do it? Shall I quit? What can I actually do? I spent all my life trying to learn things and now it feels like I do not have a single atribute I can use in my favour. For the last two months I have been divided between the thoughts saying I cannot do it and that it is not worth it and a few moments when I had a feeling that I can learn and that nothing is lost so far. Sometimes it feels like my part is done and now it is time to give it away, like it is not my project anymore. All these things made me quite depressed and I had difficulties dealing with everything, pushing the rare few people I have around myself even further away. And while I was asking myself why no one comes to ask if I am OK and to maybe listen to what bothers me, they were most probably equally asking themselves what is going on, leaving space for me to sort my things out. I often wish I would not need this confirmation that I am doing well and that I can learn everyting I decide to learn. I do wish my self-esteem would be better. I do wish I could be proud on myself sometimes and I would not just see the achievements of others and be "jealous". I do wish I could have objectively see my achivements. And I do wish I would not feel ashamed for everything I do not know so far. Yet. Because, at the end, we are all constantly learning and nohthing is ever just given to you.

A rollercoaster of emotions

It seems that lately my feelings and emotions change daily. Probably more hourly than daily, to be honest. Quite often even I do not understand myself, but I expect others to do so. I was able to just start crying out of nothing and there was no reason for it. I know I just hopped there would be someone to offer a shoulder to cry on, but with everyone being far away, that was quite an optimistic wish.
I guess there was a combination of things that made me feel the way I felt: the end of the year, the end of my contract, not knowing exactly how to tackle this: whether I should go to talk to my supervisor or wait for him to bring things up ... Taking into the account that we both depend on my working visa, there is much more on the line than just the fact that I might be without a job at some point. On the other hand, people around us are getting back the results of their grants application, planning their future, applying for permanent residence and citizenship that definitely brings more stability. With all the changes that the government is making, it sometimes feels that it is now or never: if we do not do a move now, we will most probably be screwed. On the other hand, we can just go as it is and hope for the best and that the time will put things into the right order. The way we were raised makes me (us) anxious, but maybe taking a step back would make our lives a bit easier. If nothing changes, we can go back to Europe in two years and if things work out good, we might stay here.

I often have a feeling that none of us is really happy though, that we are both struggling with enjoying our time here. And that it is all my fault as it has been my idea to come here in the first place. While I know I did learn a lot, I still have a feeling I have not achieved much and I often feel like a failure. Nevertheless, it is not all just black and white: we live 1.5 km from the beach, we are able to eat most of our dinners outside and go to the beach for an ice cream afterwards. On a weekday. We can spend a lot of our time together. It often feels like a seaside when you inhale fresh salty air when you step out of the flat in the morning. This is often connected with the smell of Eucalypt trees. I am able to cycle to work and go running most days. However, I often feel lonely. I miss having someone that would drag me out on a bad day. I still have very small circle of people around myself. When it comes to this, Mischa says I have a "middle child syndrome": I am very protective of people I like and I am afraid someone will take them away. He is probably right, I often wish I would be more like him, more social and less introverted. Things sometimes just need some more time and patience ...

Japonske prigode

Pred nekaj meseci smo se odločili, da se poskusimo prijaviti za eksperiment na Japonskem. Nismo imeli česa bistvenega za izgubiti, nismo pa tudi pričakovali, da bo naša prijava dejansko odobrena. No ... Ne samo, da je bil naš ekperiment odobren, naš projekt je celo kotiral v najvišjo četrtino prijavljenih projektov. Tako smo se morali odločiti kdo bo odšel, kako bomo tja potovali in seveda je bilo potrebno Japoncem posredovati en kup papirjev. Večina je tja odpotovala s papirnato pošto.

V končni fazi sva se na pot odpravila skupaj s sodelavcem. Pot naju je vodila čez Hong Kong do Osake ter nato še nekaj ur z vlakom proti jugu. Slaba odločitev! Nekaj ur pred odhodom smo še izbirali katere vzorce bomo vzeli s seboj, da o tem, da naju je skrbelo kako bova spravila dryshipper na letalo, ne govorimo. Po pravilih letalske zveze, naj ne bi bilo problema, priznam pa, da cela stvar izgleda malo nenavadno in seveda je obstajala možnost, da nama ga zavrnejo pri prijavi na let. Aja, pa čez Japonsko se je ravno tisti dan premikal tajfun, tako da nisva imela nobene garancije, da bova dejansko prišla na cilj pravočasno. No, najina pot se ne bi mogla začeti bolj enostavno in pol ure po prihodu na letališče sva že sedela na večerji in sangriji, ki naju je ravno prijetno omamila, da sva večino leta prespala. Pot do Osake je bila dolga, a enostavna. Tukaj pa se je vse skupaj zaključilo. Po nakupu kart za vlak, sva nekako našla peron, na katerem so ljudje stali v vrstah, ki so se vile v vse mogoče strani. Sama sem se obračala okoli, da bi mogoče našla nekoga, ki bi naju znal usmeriti. Neuspešno. Kar niti ni bilo pomembno, ker so se čez pol ure vsi ljudje nekam premaknili. S težavo sva ugotovila, da vlaka ne bo, ker se je en vlak pokvaril v predoru. Da je bila cela situacija totalno kaotična, je poskrbelo še to, da itak večina prevozov ni vozila, ker so morali stvar po tajfunu ponovno vzpostaviti. Odločiva se, da greva na avtobus. Neuspešno. Taksi torej! Tudi na taksi sva čakala več kot dobro uro, ampak po uri vožnje (in plačanih 200 dolarjih), sva končno prispela do naslednje železniške postaje, od koder ja najina pot potekala precej bolj enostavno. Do sinhrotrona sva tako prispela ob 22.10 (latest check-in je bil baje ob 22). Po telefonskem klicu, nama je gospod v pižami uspel predati ključe najine sobe. Da sva praktično popadala v postelji, ni potrebno posebaj poudarjati..

Naslednji dan naju je čakal eksperiment: zajtrk, predavanje o radiaciji in varnosti in iskanje najinega "hutcha" (=prostor, kjer se izvajajo eksperimenti). Človek bi si mislim, da to ne bi smelo biti tako težko, ker je sinhrotron okrogel in se je praktično nemogoče izgubiti v orkogli stavbi. Ponovna napaka! Ki sva jo še dodatno plačala, ker sva s seboj tovorila 15 kg težak dryshipper. Po tem, ko sva se bila prisiljena ustaviti na pol poti, ker ni bilo več prehoda in sva se nato skoraj ponovno izgubila, sva ugotovila, da ima ta dotični sinhrotron notranji in zunanji obroč in samo notranji obroč je dejansko neprekinjen. Z rahlo zamudo sva torej prispela. Nato so se stvari hiro odvile. Eksperiment je bil zelo uspešen, Japonci pa so naju totalno navdušili! Ne vem, če sem kdaj imela tako pozitivno izkušnjo z ljudmi in njihovim odnosom do našega dela. Definitivno vredno tega, da se ponovno vrnemo.

Naslednje jutro sva se odločila, da preskočiva zajtrk in raje poiščeva hrano na letališču, kamor bi morala prispeli kar nekaj dobrih ur pred odhodom letala. Tako sva vzela avtobus do prve železniške postaje, ki je trajal prb. 40 min. Ko prispeva tja, moj sodelavec ugotovi, da je na avtobusni postaji pozabil mobitel. Časovno je imel še ravno dovolj časa, da odide nazaj in pogleda, če je njegov mobitel še vedno tam. Mobitel je bil uspešno najden, najina pot pa je tako dobila +2 uri. Na letališče sva tako prispela le dve uri pred odhodom letala. Greva nekaj pojest, nato pa v nakupe čokolade z zelenim čajem in ostalih japonskih dobrot. Pred najina vrata odhoda tako prideva pol ure pred odhodom leala, ko moj sodelavec ponovno začne iskati mobitel. Ki ga ni. Tako teče nazaj do restavracije in s telefonom prispe ravno v trenutku, ko začnemo vkrcavanje na letalo. Baje so te stvari rezultat utrujenosti. Priznam, da tudi mene do tega trenutka že totalno zmanjkuje.

Let nazaj je bil ok, sva pa rabila nekaj časa, da sva si opomogla. Cela pot je bila absolutno vredna, a bomo naslednjič stvari naredili malo bolj "na izi".

Pripadnost nečemu/nekomu

Razlogov za odhod je verjetno toliko kot je ljudi, ki so kdajkoli odšli: želja po boljšem življenju, iskanje dogodivščine, selitev k partnerju, možnost dodatne/bojše izobrazbe ... Prav vsem odhodom pa je skupno nekaj: vsi za seboj pustijo prav vse, kar so prej poznali. Družino, prijatelje, udobje vsakodnevne rutine ... Selitve so stresne: že znotraj iste države je včasih težko, selitev v drugo državo pa ta faktor še poveča. Kamorkoli prideš, vedno začneš znova, ne glede na pozicijo. Tudi v znanosti je tako, ko prideš v nov laboratorij, vedno vzame nekaj časa, da ljudje ugotovijo kakšno znanje si prinesel s seboj in da začnejo verjeti, da ti lahko zaupajo. Poleg tega je vse novo: osvojiti moraš kako najti stanovanje, kako je organiziran zdravstveni sistem, kaj vse moraš narediti, ko kupiš nov avto ... Prvi nakupi v trgovini vzamejo ure, ker seveda stvari niso tam, kjer bi jih pričakoval. In priznam, odhodi v trgovino se pogosto končajo z googlanjem: "Kje najti ... v ...?" Ampak, to so vse stvari, na katere se lahko zelo hitro navadiš. In nato ugotoviš, da že kar nekaj časa nisi slišal ničesar od svojih prijateljev, da življenje doma teče dalje tudi brez tebe, da si bil pač ti tisti, ki se je odločil oditi. In prav lahko se je hitro ujeti v nek krog (ne)pošiljanja sporočil, čakanja na drugega in izgovorov zakaj še vedno nisi odgovoril na sporočilo prijatelja izpred tednov. Prav vsi se ujamemo v to in počasi pustimo, da nam stvari spolzijo iz rok.

Zanimivo kako ob selitvi vedno pogrešamo tisto, kar smo pred tem imeli na dosegu roke. Tako sva, na primer, v Evropi pogrešala Tim Tame in honeycomb. Odkar sva tu, sva verjetno kupila točno en paket Tim Tamov, zato pa toliko bolj pogrešava Cockto, Smokije in Laderach. Pa gore. In predvsem njihovo dostopnost. In dobro izolirana stanovanja. Predvsem pa mi manjka nekdo, s komer bi lahko popoldne šla na kavo in povedala vse, kar me teži. V bistvu se do pred kratkim nisem zavedala, da sem imela srečo, da sem v Švici v zelo kratkem času spoznala nekaj ljudi, ki so hitro postali dobri prijatelji (poleg tega, da je Švica blizu in da se je praktično istočasno iz Slovenije preselilo tudi nekaj ostalih prijateljev). Tukaj te sreče še nimava. Čeprav sva spoznala nekaj simpatičnih ljudi, sva kar kmalu ugotovila, da nas očitno ne druži prav veliko skupnega in da druženje deluje le kadar sva midva pobudnika le-tega. V Švici velja pravilo, da se je najlažje vključiti v družbo preko športa in tako se veselim poletja, ko bodo razmere končno bolj ugodne za letenje in plezanje.

Še vedno me včasih prevzame občutek, da bi se najraje zaprla v kokon in vse skupaj prespala. Potem se zavem, da je to pač pot za katero sva se odločila in da sta pred nama le dve leti in pol, ko se bova lahko ponovno odločila kaj je za naju najbolje. Do takrat pa sva le midva odgovorna za to, da nama je tu lepo.