Forever

I am not sure if it is the weather, the time, the fact that my PhD is almost towards the finishing and I still do not have much data or just something in the air. But I have this feeling lately of being trapped. That I am stuck somewhere and I cannot move and this is how it is going to be until the rest of my life.

I firstly thought that I am bad with commitments. That I am fine to do something until it feels too final. Like a wedding for example. Or a baby. I guess nowadays we are raised like this, with big hopes that we can become whatever we want and go wherever we want. On the other hand, we never really need to take decisions and it is something we need to learn. Probably a bit similar to another fact I was once told that young people nowadays do not know how to be bored properly. Just because we have always been occupied, because our parents always took care there was a lot going on in our lives. I am definitely one of those people, after a day of lying on the beach, I get totally bored. And when it comes to the decisions that should be forever, I start freaking out. I would be the same if someone would have told me that this country is going to be the country where I would live forever. Just because I would hate the idea that I have no option. But then, what is really forever in life?

Later, I found out it might have been work. All the hours in the lab, often early mornings and late evenings. Alone. All these protein purifications, lost samples, cells not growing, missing chemicals, fake crystals and the lack of it. All the hours when you wish you would have been somewhere else and all the times when you are happy to be at work because you are looking forward to the result. And when there is, yet again, no result, you become depressed. And I mean, really depressed. It just affects you and is above you like a big dark cloud and you probably do not even get it. When I got a small ray of hope last week, my life started to look much better in a second. Suddenly all the feelings that were overwhelming me in the last weeks were gone and the sun came back. However, since the progress is super super slow, I am again at the position zero.

I always thought I need to be tough, there is no place for tears in this world. I have seen people crying at work and I could understand them, but I thought that is not the right place to show your emotions. But now I am realizing that sometimes you need people around you who can really understand how you feel. People who went through similar situation as you did and can share exactly the same experience with you. People who might not hug you and say that everything will be all right, but will just sit down with you with a coffee and share the same horror stories and tell you that this will finish. Soon.

Do people come into our lives on purpose

I have been told, I have not written anything for a long time. I guess my active blogging times are over, but here it is. A sneak peak into my thoughts.

I am in general not very good with people. I am even worse when it comes to a bunch of people. I can be mean and rude to people I do not know and sometimes I do not know how to use my sarcasm in an appropriate way. My best friends came to my heart slowly, but now they are occupying a big part and I always have time for them.
However, it happens from time to time that I meet people I connect in a moment. Usually this are people I meet at intensive workshop/conferences that are over in a few days and with the ending of the workshop, also our "friendship" is over. I usually have problems just letting people go and usually I suffer through the weeks following. I have no explanation why would I care about a person I just met. Especially taking into the account all the wonderful people I have in my life already. But sometimes, there is no explanation and I guess we don't necessarily need it. Still, I am wondering if the life has a plan. Is there a plan we meet again? Or have these people done their job so efficiently that it was a time for them to leave already? No matter what the plan is and no matter how difficult it is sometimes, I guess we need to be grateful for people we have and probably believe that there is a plan why things are going their way sometimes.

Old memories

Sometimes I read old things. Old blogs. Old facebook statuses. Old messages. Old emails. Sometimes I go through old pictures.
And I realize how awesome my life is, despite all the drama I bring in. And I realize I have some amazing people around myself. And I realize that some people got lost. For good? For bad? Will they come back? Who knows.

I like reading these things. Looking at old pictures. And going back in time. In these good times we had. Then I come back to the real life and realize how lucky I am to have everything I have.

And this is one of the old things I found. From almost 4 years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5HXKAmnHkA&feature=related

So, when are you coming home?

This is one of the questions I sometimes get from my friends in Slovenia. And, even though that I know to what they are referring to, I am still a bit confused. Home. What exactly is home? I guess there are plenty of definitions and each individual probably has its own, unique perception. Yeah, Slovenia is my home, but it is only one of them. Since I moved to Switzerland, it also became my home and I have to admit Australia was my home as well while I was living there. I can also imagine that a place where I will move after my PhD will be my home too.

When people ask me where I am from, I always pause a bit. And then I say I am from Slovenia, but I live in Switzerland. And when we compare general living, how school system works, how public system is organized etc., I probably try to include both countries into this. I guess, Zurich is becoming my city and it is normal this way. I am getting friends here, I know my way around, I can find something to do on rainy Saturday morning. Though there are still times when I miss my friends home, the comfort of my mum's food and my old room. And when I am explaining to people where I come from, I tell them how beautiful both countries are and many of my friends have since been in Slovenia and Switzerland and have just been amazed by everything that they have to offer.

So, what is home? I found this magnet: Home is whenever I am with you. Home is where the heart is and heart is big enough to have many, many homes. :)

Our flat

After living in Switzerland for over a year, we finally decided to move in together. It took us over 3 months to find something. We did not like everything we have seen, but it also happened many times our request was returned back to us. I guess there were better applicants or they were just looking for someone different. There needs to be someone better when over a hundred people are applying for the same place.

But then, we finally got it. Completely renovated and a bit over our budget. But it is ours. There will be no more phone calls where we meet tonight. There will be no more mine and yours. No more going from one place to another to pick up something we need. No more double shampoos, razors and other bathroom equipment. Now everything is together.

After moving for almost a week and being very, very, VERY grateful to all of our friends to come and help us with the move, the majority of the things are moved. There are still boxes everywhere and we still haven't found the swimming suits. The bed is put together and the wardrobe has already accommodated our enormous amount of clothes (this is what happens when you put clothes from two places together). The amount of the glasses in the cupboards increased and now we have two coffee machines. We found out that the floors are a bit tilted and there are ants coming from somewhere. And every night you go to the toilet, you bump into at least one of the boxes on the way.

But ... It is our first flat and we love it.

Discussion

We have been watching yesterday The Hunger Games, second part. And it doesn’t matter how good or bad it is, it did start a debate between us afterwards that people are not guilty to be born where there are. I guess we are sometimes not aware how happy we are to be born here. To have the opportunity to get good education, to be able to travel, to have an access to as much food and water as we want, to be able to go a doctor when it is needed … We could discuss that as recently these things are changing even in Slovenia where we are having many kids that cannot afford food, that are often hungry and that have parents that would like to work, but they can’t. However, I don’t want to go into this debate. In general we should still be happy for what we have and try to understand that there are people around the world that don’t have the access to everything we have. I am nowadays looking back to my upraising and am now aware how lucky I am to be born where I was. That my parents always supported me, that studying was my only obligation during my school year, that I was always supported to travel, to meet new people and new cultures. To always have something to eat and to be able to go to a doctor when I got sick.
And yeah, even though that sometimes things are hard in life, we still should be happy for what we have. And maybe give something back to the society when we can.

Sick (in Science)

Since I am employed, I am probably sick a bit more than I used to be. I guess this is the only way that I slow down and rest. Usually I am good after a day in bed and then I am prepared to work a 100% again.

However, this was not the case this time. I came home on Tuesday at 8 in the evening after feeling bad the whole day already. I just managed to get into the bed and measure the temperature: I had over 39 degrees, not sure when this happened the last time. I was not aware of myself nor anything around me and I was never more grateful for having Mischa around to take care of me. The next two days I spent in bed, mostly sleeping. Knowing that I will not be back at work before next week, I knew my experiments were ruined. One was probably saved by my coworker that was kind enough to take over my cells (besides already taking care of my students). The other one will be trashed tomorrow as I cannot save it anymore. One month of work and I don't want to think about the money that was wasted in a few days. It was not a month that has taken my full time to work on it, but it does mean I need to start from the beginning which means that I will not have the results for one more month. Ah ... Sometimes I wish our work could be halted. ;)

However, it was nice at home. It was nice to sleep and watch series. But I am also looking forward to being completely recovered. To go back to work. To go running. To go climbing. And to finally have some social interaction again (besides the one through the message where I was offered help: thanks Klara, I appreciate it).