Feeling lonely

Days like days always make me a bit sad and depressed. I spent the last week in Oxford having our Marie Curie ITN training. We had basic training in communication with media and microfocus beamlines. But in general it was meant to meet other participants and exchange some thoughts on our research. It was funny how we all came there with same fears and left with same thoughts how we spent great time together. Well, besides meeting awesome people, I also brought back a really bad cold with headaches and blocked nose which basically means I spent the day in bed trying to recover as soon as possible.

Mischa went to the USA already in the early morning, which means there is basically no one I can communicate. I can't believe I am living here for 11 months already and I still have no friends. I really tried, but nothing really works, it seems everything is just one way communication. I guess I am not prepared to be the one who will always organize the meetings after all. I know I might need just a bit more time, but days like days really make me sad. I miss my friends, someone that would come over with some aspirins, a smile and ice cream and to whom I could talk and not spend all my day watching "Rules of engagement".

I know I would probably find a bunch of things to do if I would not feel so bad, but it is a reality that I become really bored in a short time and I am not good with dealing with this. But hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and all these negative thoughts will go away.

Stop the time

Lately things have changed. They turned for 180 degrees and time started to fly. I barely follow which day it is and probably only know the date because I need to label the samples in the lab.

If, until now, I have not been sure if I want to stay in Switzerland, I now decided I will. At least until the end of my PhD. Or better said: until the end of my PhD. :) I have had long conversation at work with all my supervisors whether to stay or to go. And after talking to all three of them for one hour, changing my project quite a bit, changing my working bench to another lab and actually having much more communication with people that are working on the same topic, things look much nicer. I am sure I can make my project work and this is the major reason why time flies so fast recently. I want to have purified protein by the time I go for holidays (my supervisor wants plates with set up protein for crystallization) and this means I am also working on weekends so that I am not wasting any time. Because I have not had any real holidays this year and I have problems sleeping, I am tired all the time. I have problems getting up in the morning and at the moment life really does not exist before the first coffee. And then continues with second and third ... I am really looking forward to go for holidays. Even though that I know I might be even more tired after I come back to Switzerland. :P

And the rest of my life? I still miss some people that have left in the last month. I still miss old conversations and I am worrying I might bother people too much with trying to talk to them. On the other hand, I am trying to let things go. Live some time to pass. I know things will change and you never know what time has to offer. On the other hand I am trying to connect more with people that are here. To get a bit more involved with IAESTE in Zurich, I went to the cinema with some of my coworkers and we are trying to organize bowling for all PhD students in our department. I started to go to the gym again and it is time to plan the trip and finalise the general plan. And the time flies. You come home, eat dinner and it is 11 already and time to go to sleep. Let's stop the time. Just for a little while, so we can enjoy the moment.

Just need some time

I have just come back from home. It is a funny feeling knowing that Mischa stayed in Slovenia to do some more experiments before coming back. And I do feel a bit lonely. Because I am alone here and also because I had such an amazing time with all my friends back home. It was so good to catch up with all of them, especially because I have not seen some of them for almost a year. One of the most important conversation was the one I had today with one of my ex schoolmates. There were many bad times over last year and I had problems coping with certain issues that came up. I tried to solve them myself and got a huge amount of support from my best friends and family. But I realized today that the only thing that can really help is to talk to someone who went through the same thing. And I did. Maybe a bit late, but it is never too late. I had a conversation with one of the people I probably admire the most in my life. And when he was explaining how he felt, I had a feeling he is describing my situation. I now believe that it is true: I need some more time. Zurich did become my second home already, I just need some more time to adjust a bit more. I am so happy that the timing was right: what is the probability that two of us that live in 2 different countries meet in the third country at the same time? I do believe in myself a bit more now and I do believe that things will get better with a bit more time. All we need is a bit of patience. :) And people that know what to say.

Autumn is coming

It's been grey and rainy outside and it seems we are all a bit down lately. I can't believe we have still been swimming in the lake last Friday and today we are walking around in hoodies and are complaining how cold it became. Summer clothes will soon be replaced by winter ones and swimming will be replaced by skiing. We will be waiting for some sun to shine through the dark clouds and try to use every single moment we get.

Winter will pass again and summer will return. People will come, city will become full of life again. But there will be something that will not be the same. Some people will not return. Will new people be as good as the old one? Will we connect in the same way? Will we find the same stupid jokes?

Greyness makes me depressed. My head is still full of memories from the last summer. My heart is still happy when I find an email in my email box or a short message on facebook. It does not need to be much, but it still feels like we are together. Just for a little while. And I still hope that some people will return and we will enjoy more time together. Though that I try to convince myself it will probably never happen. Just that it hurts less.

Zombie and goodbye(s)

**This blog will be written in English as I will be also writing about some people that do not speak Slovene and might like to read this. I apologize for all grammar/vocabulary mistakes.**

Today I feel like a walking zombie. I haven't got enough sleep/rest in the last 3 weeks. It started with the exam on last Friday. I like to study, I enjoy when I learn new things, but I really hate that I need to learn things just that I can get a grade for it. I am too old for this. :P The combination of studying and working, trying to find some time to go running or do some other type of sport led to a huge lack of sleep. The exam was followed by the awesome Zermatt weekend. I was looking forward to this for weeks. The schedule was amazing, I was looking forward to meet some new IAESTE people and I really needed some time off after all the studying and working. My health did not agree with me. My head hurt like crazy, I was sick and tired and I spend the majority of Saturday evening in bed. However, I still met some really nice people, had some good conversations and I hope we will manage to spend some more time together until one of us leaves this country. ;)

The last week was a bit crazy. I came home from Zermatt quite late, spend the majority of the week in the lab and trying to clean my flat that looked like the atomic bomb would fell in at some point. I got a visit on Thursday evening: my mum and a daughter of my cousin. I was really looking to this, to doing the kids things, to spend time with them and put my head on off. I had nothing planned, no exam to study, no urgent work to do, no other things planned. However, together with this visit, the weekend was also full of goodbyes. Yeah, summer is over and people are leaving. It's something I have to accept. Now I understand how my friends were feeling when we were all going home from Australia and they were staying there. I still vividly remember how I felt when I came back home from Oz. At first everything felt so unreal, for the first few weeks I wished I could just sit on the plane and go back and be with all the friends I met there. I came over this. Time helps. I feel a bit similar now. I feel a bit sad that the group of people I occasionally shared my lunch breaks with is now gone, that there will be no one I could escape to when I don't want to eat with my group and that would always make me feel better. There will probably be no one that would make a crazy golf drinking game and actually make it work. I don't like goodbyes, but as one of my friends said yesterday: each goodbye just makes you stronger. What I always wish the most is that I would just have a little bit more time with people. Sometimes it happens that with some people you just connect, you don't need too many words, the conversation runs smoothly. Unfortunately this time it happened that I met one of the people of that kind just before he left. It happens, I just wish we would have met earlier, I think my life here would be a bit nicer having a friend more by my side. But I do believe we will all meet again. One day. Until then we have skype, gtalk and other virtual ways of communication.

It was a great weekend. Playing in the children's playground. Going to Uetliberg and enjoy sun. Going out and have a blast with IAESTE people. Talking to my mum. Drinking lots and lots and lots of coffee. Saying farewell.

So: goodbye to you all! Thanks for bringing some colour in my life and I believe we will meet again (soon). :)

Sinusoida

Življenje naj bi sledilo sinusoidni krivulji, kar pomeni, da je polno vzponov in padcev. Kar pomeni tudi, da za vsakim dežjem posije sonce in da se občasno po veselih in srečnih trenutkih pojavijo tudi taki, ki bi jih radi čim prej pozabili. Ljudje pa smo velikokrat taki, da radi jamramo. Mogoče tudi zato, ker se ob srečnih trenutkih pogosto zgodi, da se ljudje pač ne znajo veseliti z nami. Verjetno tudi jaz nisem izjema. Včasih se je težko veseliti z drugimi, čeprav si srečen, da jim gre dobro. In včasih je težko pokazati, da jim zares privoščiš. Moja sinusoida se zadnje čase zelo hitro premika gor in dol. Ne vem ali je to povezano z mojo selitvijo, s tem, da je doktorat že sam po sebi v osnovi frustirajoč, z ljudmi ki me (ne)obdajajo ali pa s čim drugim. Zadnje čase se borim z nekaj mislimi, ki me vsakodnevno okupirajo. Od tega, da se mi zdi, da nimam dovolj rezultatov, da se mi zdi, da bi v teh 7 mesecih lahko naredila veliko več kot sem. Dejstvo, da sem zadnjih 14 dni porabila za učenje za izpit, namesto, da bi brala članke in delala v labu, ne pripomore k več in boljšim rezultatom. Verjetno me ta izpit podzavestno mori bolj, kot sem si pripravljena priznati, ker navsezadnje bo odločil ali ostanem tu ali ne. Po drugi strani želim na vse skupaj gledati tako, da se bodo stvari odvile tako kot so mi namenjene. Če je prav, da ostanem tu, bom ostala, če je čas da grem drugam, potem je mogoče bolje, da se to zgodi zdaj in ne kasneje. Velikokrat se sprašujem ali bi bile kje drugje stvari drugačne. Bi imela kje drugje več rezultatov, več volje do dela? Bi se mogoče bolje počutila v manjši skupini, kjer bi bili vsi skupaj bolj povezani, kjer bi mentor imel čas, da bi vse študente enakomerno spodbujal? Bo tudi to okolje s časom postalo bolj stimulativno? Mogoče le potrebujem več časa kot sem na začetku mislila. Mogoče bodo stvari šle na bolje. Mogoče pa bodo ta 4 leta le minila in bom vesela, ko bo čas, da grem naprej. Veliko stvari me spravlja v slabo voljo. V bes, obup, žalost. Ljudje okoli mene. Učenje. Doktorat. Rezultati. Napake, ki jih delam ... Žalosti me, da se z veliko ljudmi, s katerimi smo se družili doma, sploh ne slišimo več. Nobenega maila. Nobenega skypa. Nobene razglednice ali smsa. Sem kriva sama? Si ne znam vzeti časa za druge? Priznam, da včasih potrebujem nekaj časa, da odpišem na mail (ker se mu res želim posvetiti) in da se včasih borim s svojim egom, da tokrat pač ne bom spet jaz tista, ki bo prva poslala mail. Pa bi verjetno morala. Potem se mi mogoče ne bi zdelo, da so se z mojim odhodom prekinile naše vezi. Še bolj se to pozna, ker tu nisem spoznala neke prave družbe. Ne vem zakaj mi nikoli prej ni bilo težko najti novih prijateljev. Je mogoče krivo to, da je moje življenje večinoma omejeno na delo in šport. Da ponavadi prihajam domov pozno zvečer in sem popolnoma utrujena od celega dneva. Mogoče le ne pustim ljudem, da pridejo blizu, ker se bojim, da bi bila lahko spet razočarana. Mogoče je kaj drugega. Komplet različnih stvari. Zdi se mi, da z vsem skupaj tu nič ne pridobivam, izgubljam pa vse kar sem imela doma.

Zdravniki v Švici

Zgodilo se je, da sem zbolela. Nič novega, nič nevarnega, le skrajno nadležno. Dobila sem nek infekt, ki se mi ponovi vsake toliko časa in ker je nadležno boleče in srbeče je obisk pri zdravniku močno zaželjen. Vsa saga se je začela v sredo. V četrtek zjutraj je šlo vse skupaj tako daleč, da nisem šla v službo. Prvič odkar sem začela z doktoratom (in pri nas so bili pozimi praktično vsi bolni vsaj nekaj dni). Kličem zdravnico, ki sem jo našla na internetu, mi povejo, da ne sprejemajo več novih pacientov. Dobim številno urgence, kjer mi lahko povejo kdo je dežurni zdravnik. Kličem Mischa, Mischa kliče na to številko, dobi številko dežurnega zdravnika, kliče dežurnega zdravnika, ki je na urgentni intervenciji. Predlagajo, da odidem kar v bolnico. Se odločim, da danes še ne odidem v bolnico. V petek sem morala iti v službo, ker celice pač ne poznajo bolezni. Popoldne sva se z Mischo tako odpravilo v bolnico. Na srečo je le-ta oddaljena le dobrih 5 min. Če bi bila sama, bi me takoj odpravili. Malo zaradi tega, ker ne govorim nemško, malo pa zato, ker nisem dovolj vztrajna pri birokratskih zadevah. Mischa pa se ni dal in tako sva čez 15 minut že sedela v čakalnici. O problemih z mojim zavarovanjem ne bom govorila. Nima smisla, bomo videli kako se bodo stvari razpletle. :P Potem sva čakala. In čakala ... 1 uro. 2 uri. 2 uri in pol... V čakalnici sta bili poleg mene le 2 osebi, kar me je delalo živčno. Razumem čakanje če je pred tabo kup ljudi. Po 3 urah sem končno prišla na vrsto. Ura je bila že čez 9 zvečer. Zdravnica je bila izredno prijazna. Specializantka v supergah. Moram reči, da se mi je dopadla. Vzela si je čas zame, se pogovorila z mano in se pogovarjala veš čas pregleda. Doma bi bila verjetno odpravljena v 10 minutah. Tu pa sem tudi jaz porabila dobro uro. Poklicala je svojo šefico, ker ni bila prepričana kaj mi je. Ampak tudi ta šefica ni imela kaj več idej. :P Tako da trenutno jemljem določena zdravila in če slučajno vzorci, ki so jih vzeli, pokažejo da je kaj drugega, me bodo poklicali. Na koncu sem celo dobila kontakte zdravnikov, ki še jemljejo paciente. Moram reči, da sem bila zelo zadovoljna s samim odnosom. Si pa ne predstavljam kako bi se stvar odvila če bi čez vse skupaj morala iti sama. Definitivno je jezik izrednega pomena.